Accost of Living

So, I asked of my life, "What is it that you want from me?"

My life replied of me, "Everything that you achieve."

"And my friends?" I inquired, "Will you take what they achieve?"

My life looked at me shrewdly, "I will take no more than they are willing to give. For, they will not give more than such."

"Costly it is, to retain that attachment to me," I succumbed.

"Detrimental to them is it," life quipped, "the power of your personality."

"And if I requested that you leave them be, life of mine?"

"Then would I request of you to leave them."

We are the sum of everything we have done. Without each other we would be a death not worth remembering.

Submitting Defeat

To mentally slap yourself on the back of the head and state 'You idiot, you're looking at it wrong!', is a glorious moment.

I was so consumed with creating a perfect piece of work. I laugh at myself now. After all, I am an artist. And any artist worth their salt would tell you that they are their worst critic. I doubt that it is even possible to create perfection.

I must admit that it will never be perfect. My hope is that it will, at least, be complete before I die. Once complete, I can refine, expand, or define.

I have more ideas than can be contained within the one novel. What, exactly, is preventing me from making those others a side project? What is stopping them from just being little snippets of story?

I have sketches of drawings; what about 'sketches' of story? What about sketches of comic book pages?

Who knows? I may just sketch the exactly perfect thing to fit in that one, hypothetically, difficult point in the story.

Was I really so determined to let this die?

Training Daze

The place I work made even more changes. Where, at first, they eliminated my chosen shift and reintegrated me into another, now they eliminated my entire department. But, once again, they did not just sweep me into the street and brush their hands clean of me.

They have actually been paying me to learn a different aspect of my same job. Where once I assisted Verizon Wireless customers who had prepaid phones, now I assist Verizon Wireless customers on a contract account. The last 4 weeks they have been training me for the job. And paying me for it.

I learned the differences early in the training period and soon became... antsy. Distracted if you will. Then, from the depths of my black, leather bag I heard a whisper. I unzipped it ever so cautiously. I know that whatever I had stored in there was hidden away for a reason. Peering inside I was overcome with desire. My hand reached inside, brushed upon a cold, slightly rough, surface, and grasped it. As I pulled that object from my bag, I also pulled the memories from my mind. Both being released from the dark recesses that I had placed them.

I lay my sketchbook upon my desk and subconsciously reach for my drawing pencil and turbo eraser. Instinctively, the book opened to my last project, the pencil found its place in my hand while enough lead had been clicked into place, and the eraser found its place close by and at the ready.

I looked upon my last desperate attempt at motivation. I noted the rushed and chaotic scribblings. I instantly recognised my individual drawing mannerisms of style. Then, I slid the bookmark from where it was hiding in the spine, turned the page and replaced it deep in the new crevice.

Ok, so I got bored at 'work' and needed something to occupy my mind and hands without disturbing the class. Pulled out my sketchbook and sketched some stuff. The first picture here was derived from a question I was asked by someone I would like to call a friend. He asked me, "What do these spirits look like?"

I thought to myself: Well, ghost-like... spirity and clear and stuff. Then I thought how difficult that would be to draw and then again to ink/color. Then I thought about glowing orb things. Not only is it almost as difficult to create glowing effect with graphite but it is also an overused spirit representation.

It may not be clearly defined in this picture, but my spirits will look like human-shaped silhouettes eclipsing a bright light. So, imagine a solar eclipse but instead of a round circle in the middle, imagine a human shape.

This next picture was spawned by one of my supporters (dare I say, 'fan'?) and friend. Of all the characters in my story, she became fascinated with Ursal, the Werebear. She even went so far as to say that she wanted a tattoo of him! It has been many months since she made that comment, but her feelings remain the same. I owed her some sort of updated image and design.

I did not actually make this image for the purposes of being inked into a person, but she loved it so much. I have scanned many copies of this picture and have promised the original to her.

So, that's a bit of what I have been up to. The Venge story remains a constant in my mind and every day I come closer to meshing all the parts of it into a cohesive work.

Social Murder and the Rantings of the Victim

Most common quote from parent/teacher conferences with regards to myself, "Dave is a smart kid, he just needs to apply himself."

What a lame cop-out. So you recognise my ability to solve problems and retain information, but you don't know how to keep my focus? You don't know how I can apply those skills? What? There is really only one way to discern any level of intelligence (smarts). And that is with tests or quizzes. So then, I did well enough in the tests to determine that I retained info, but didn't do well enough. But, then to state that I just need to apply myself means that the questions I missed were simple?

I repeatedly did so well with artistic projects in school that I was tested to join the Gifted and Talented program. I failed that test. I'm not sure how they score it, but it must have been pass/fail. Otherwise the "talented administrators" did not agree with my peers in the general populace of the learning institution.

The one year I tried out for a sport was 9th grade football. I weighed in to be just light enough to be a big guy on the lightweight team or the lightest guy on the heavyweight team.

I was born one day after I was due.

I am afraid that I will always be a big fish in a little pond or drown in a big pond. A day late, a dollar short. Too little, too late.


Poor me. Sh*t hasn't gone my way. I talk like I'm the only one who has problems. People starving, people without homes. At least I am able to eat Ramen noodles to survive and rent week-to-week, what do I have to complain about? I have a job, I have a car. A job where I only get to keep a quarter of what I earn. A car that is unlawful for me to drive.

I stand proudly with my hands behind my back, head held high, waiting for the floor to fall away from me. If I am lucky, a 'crack' will be the last thing I hear.

Until that time, the rope will chafe a bit on my neck.

Prey for the Dieing

I am a left-brained artist.

Not overly creative. Most of my "ideas" are just improvements and changes to existing ideas.

Not overly imaginative. Most of my "creations" must conform to a preset structure and organisation of systems.

Not overly confident. Most of my "motivation" is derived from the approval and recognition of others.

When there is not a preexisting idea; when there is not a system already in place; when there are no others, I falter. To state that since I know the cause(s) of my failures I should be able to anticipate, control, and counter them. I try.

An "Ah ha" moment drives a thunderbolt of ambition towards an ultimate end. Then an artist's expectations to reach some semblance of perfection erects obstacles. Without the foresight of such barriers I am left reeling from the collision of ideological race versus perfectionist barricade.

My writing is mediocre. My drawings are well enough. My story will be told, as soon as the real world permits me the opportunity.

For now: I will dream. I will imagine. I will believe.

Realitease

It's been over a month since I posted on here. I would like to tell you that it's been as a result of me diligently working on my GN. But that is only half true.

The place I work at decided that they were not going to support the shift I was working anymore, but they let me keep my job. I get to work 10 hours a day helping other people figure out why their phone don't work. I get to tell them why a million dollar company will not support my decision to put .25 on their account. Customer support is not efficient. I used to be able to put pencil to paper between calls. Now it is all I can do to put drink to mouth between calls.

But, what about before/after work? Truthfully? I still don't think I'm cut out for the job. I come home from work and look at big, blank pages and remember that I have to write the story still. Then I look at the stacks of blank, lined paper.

No one ever read anything I wrote and exclaimed that I should be a writer. Drawings? Sure. All the time. But never anything that I wrote. So what on earth led me to believe this was something I should do? You've all read my stuff here. Did even an ounce of it make you say to yourself, "Hey, I think this guy is on to something. I can't wait to see it!"? Or something similar? Didn't think so.

But for some strange reason, I had myself convinced. I was the guy. I was going to do this. I had a story to tell. It was my story. And I was going to draw it.

The mundane world caught up to me. My reality has shifted and has no longer allowed me to see the same things I had before. The hopes and dreams of the past have lifted.

Revealing, mocking, and teasing.

Purpose

The means and the reasons I am creating this story are falling away from me.

Some I can control.

Most cannot be.

Like the bowstring being draw. Like the balloon being filled. I feel a large amount of energy building up to an explosive conclusion.

Something is, or somethings are, about to go very wrong.

* * *

"Why, before me, do you stand?
Venge have some called you,
but know your soul do I, as Darren.

Fleeting about, your eyes do search.
Curious of your surroundings, they peer.
Familiar is the place, but seeing it the first time you feel.

Recognise not my face?
Witnessed have you my shape?
Misplaced I am and misplaced I stand.

Should not the ferryman carry your soul,
across to which/where you must go?
Expecting death herself, were you?

Once before I told you.
But lost are those thoughts,
covering the wall you found at your back.

Amongst you she did walk.
Naive she was but born,
but taken, she would change.

Surprised are you at the calm?
Missing is the static,
of eternity, revenge, and wails.

Focused your thoughts have become,
but missing is the thought.
Ready are you for judgement?

Why, before me, do you stand?
Venge have some called you,
But know your soul do I, as Darren"

Figuring It Outline

If I approach this the same way I would a drawing, I would close my eyes and visualise what would fill the page. With the scope of story I wish to tell it is not as easy for me. To imagine what would fill one sheet of paper is quite different from imagining what would fill 300. But, if I compare them in a different way, it starts to make a bit more sense... mentally.

I imagine what the completed product will look like - I imagine what the completed story will feel like.

When I can get the mental image, I can work towards it. Years of trial and error with my drawings have taught me about anatomy, perspective, and utilizing space. I do not have that same experience with writing. So then I sought out assistance.

I have always been attracted to, what I like to call, hero stories - one man overcoming seemingly impossible odds to achieve his goal. All this I have mentioned earlier. So then, the Epic Poems have been selected as the manner in which I want to write. There a couple to hurdles to overcome and some others which have increased my understanding of how my story will play out.

Each of these shall be detailed below following and included within an outline of Epic Poems I discovered from The Victorian Web

* * *

Primary or Folk Epic

• No single author (each is a product of the oral tradition)
• Written down after centuries of oral transmission — e. g., Beowulf and the Iliad

Secondary or Literary Epic

• A single, gifted poet such as Virgil or Milton composes a work that imitates a folk epic. The Æneid and Paradise Lost, for example, involved considerable research and have the style of earlier epics (particularly in setting, dignified speeches, and extended similes.

For obvious reasons, my story will be a Secondary or Literary Epic (and perhaps the first Graphic Epic).

General Characteristics

1. Primary epics were originally intended to be sung or recited to music: "Sing, Muse . . . ."
2. In primary epics, deities and other supernatural agencies are often involved in human affairs: "What god was it . . . ?" asks Homer in the famous epic question that opens the Iliad. While not a Primary Epic, mine still deals with much supernatural involvement.
3. The poem often has national interest and has a national bias: "and brought low the souls of so many Acheans" (Iliad, Book I). The primary struggle will be akin to a secret war but one that has far-reaching effects.
4. Primary epics seem generated by periods of upheaval, of struggle and adventure, such as the Trojan War for Homer's epics and the Moslem invasion of Europe in the Song of Roland. An underlying plot point will be the coincidental embodiment of each of the primordial entities in the time frame of the story causing some to choose sides.
5. Often, the principal characters are larger-than-life demigods (descendants of deities) or heroes of immense stature and strength. They represent such cultural ideals are endurance and cunning (Odysseus), all-round virtue or arte (Achilles), fair play and selflessness (Beowulf), chivalric self-sacrifice (Roland), or Christian love (Adam). Venge is, more than anything, driven. All other things are secondary to him doing what he must to be reunited with his one true love.
6. In both kinds of epic, single combat is a common plot device; if the warriors are equals, such as Achilles and Hector, they fight with sword and spear; if the adversaries are not equally heroic, as in the case of Odysseus and the suitors, the protagonist may use lesser weapons such as a bow. The hero often has a special weapon (e. g., Achilles' Pelian ash spear) or quality (e. g., Odysseus's ability to adopt disguises). No good comic book is without it's physical confrontations. I must make note that if Venge encounters a foe or foes with lesser abilities then he should use lesser means of confronting them.
7. The subject of the poem is announced in the opening lines, in an invocation (in which the poet calls for divine assistance to tell his tale) and epic question in classical epics. I planned to have Gregor the Observate narrate the tale. In doing so I think I will have him do an ancestral prayers as he will be know to come from a hereditary line of Observate members.
8. As opposed to the epyllion (such as the 892-line "Sohrab and Rustum" and Paradise Regained), the true epic is long (the Iliad and the Odyssey each contain 24 books) and dignified (courtly address and epithet are common). The fact that I chose to have the story compose an entire years worth of 'mainstream' publications boasts this meshing of ideas.
9. Geographical and temporal settings are wide: the action of the Odyssey, for example, occurs across all of the known world of the Greeks over a twenty-year period. However, the action may be compressed into a matter of days (as in the case of the Iliad) or even hours (as in the case of the Song of Roland). The Odyssey takes roughly forty days. Never exactly planned the story within a set amount of time. But, with this information, I wrote in a 15 year 'self realisation' arc.
10. Such great issues as the founding of the Roman race and the state (the AEneid) are at stake. It mat seem cliche, but it will most likely be a 'fate of all mankind' type of story.

Elements of the Epic Style

1. Repetition: directions and reports are repeated, later incidents seem to echo earlier incidents; stock epithets are constantly applied to certain proper nouns such as "rosy-fingered Dawn" and "horse-taming Hector." Names are symbolic: e. g., Odysseus = "Man of Woe," for he both gives and receives suffering. This element will be excluded as the visual medium will eliminate the necessity for it. These tools were incorporated in the original, orally recited tales to facilitate memorisation.
2. The Epic or Homeric Simile is a protracted comparison beginning with "like" or "as"; the figure, loaded with description, often holds up the action at a crucial point to produce suspense. There is a general absence of this device in Beowulf, but later English writers such as Milton and Arnold have deliberately incorporated such protracted comparisons into their works to give them weight and dignity. Once again, this will be excluded as it was a tool used by the orators to increase listener imagery.
3. Long, formal speeches such as challenges, inset narratives, flashbacks, and points of debate occur within the midst of the action; characters are commonly revealed in dialogue. No good comic is without the quips and banter of the duel. Must make a note to possibly extend them and have more villainous monologuing.
4. Speeches are often followed by such phrases as "thus he spoke" to emphasize that the words are those of a character and not of the narrator. Word balloons eliminate this need also.
5. Elevated, literary language is the norm-even servants speak in dignified verse. A difficult thing to write effectively. I think I just might have narrations for minor characters to maintain the suspended beliefs of the readers. This may work against me to clue the reader into discovery who the significant characters are. Then again it may work in my favor... "Why did that street bum have dialogue? I'll have to keep an eye on him..."
6. The manner of address between characters is circumlocutious and courtly; characters often address one another in patronymics such as "Son of Peleus" (Achilles). As comic book characters often go by code names to hide their identity, then will have to addressed in a different way. Likewise, my characters tend to have multiple names by which they are known. Definitely something I will use to show personification.
7. The pace is stately, the rhythm ceremonious. Catalogues (lengthy lists, particularly of leaders and their military contingents) create a sense of grandeur. Here is where I have fought the most. I think it would be rather enthralling to write it poetically and with a particular pace in what is actually written on the pages. But, I fear that I am not that skilled in oration to pull it off successfully.
8. Epic machinery includes bardic recapitulations (e. g., the Phaeacian poet Demodocus in the Odyssey recounts the story of the Trojan Horse), a chief god's balancing the scales of fate, a long and arduous journey for the hero, weapons of supernatural origin (such as Achilles' shield, fashioned by Hephaestus, smith of the gods), a descent into the Underworld, and nephelistic rescues (from "nephele" [Greek, "mist"] in Greek). While there were plenty of instances where the godly figures intervened on the heroes behalf, I do not think this a requirement. Although, there will be much supernatural meddling in mine.
9. The opening of the epic will involve an invocation and an epic question. The poet opens in the midst of the action ("in medias res") rather than at the beginning. (See #7 in General section)
10. Epic conventions include the simile, the in-medias-res opening, the invocation, the epic question, the epithet, the climactic confrontation between mighty adversaries, and hand-to-hand combat; these were established by Homer and emulated by Virgil. (See Above)
11. Since epics were composed to honour the deeds of heroic ancestors, such poems often have an aristocratic bias: peasants and servants (unless of aristocratic birth) are insignificant. For example, the churl who discovers the Firedrake's cave in Beowulf is unnamed and is given no dialogue. Noted and anticipated.
12. The action occurs in an heroic past, generations earlier, when deities freely interacted with humans. The events of the poem permeate the national consciousness —everyone in the audience already knows most of the details of the story. I don't have this luxury as I am making it up as I go along. Although the incorporation of mythological figures may circumvent this.
13. In the time of Homer, emotions and great natural forces are personified as deities. Not as much today.

Characteristics of the Epic Hero

The form of the poem suggests that the material dealt with should be "events which have a certain grandeur and importance, and come from a life of action, especially of violent action such as war" (see C. M. Bowra, From Virgil to Milton, p. 1).

I will elude to the fact that Venge was someone who possessed a high degree of natural agility being a dancer, martial artist, and gymnast. He was an admirer of the physical perfects of the human body and worked to hone his own.

1. The hero is introduced in the midst of turmoil, at a point well into the story; antecedent action will be recounted in flashbacks. While my story was going to possess flashbacks similar the The Crow, I did not think of writing it from the middle. I kind of laugh at this, as I was having a hard enough time finding the ending let alone some point in the middle. I eventually did find a point at which I could work both directions from. A point in which he becomes mortally wounded and believes himself dead and ready to pass on.
2. The hero is not only a warrior and a leader, but also a polished speaker who can address councils of chieftains or elders with eloquence and confidence. He will possess a commanding presence in both intimidation and aspiration. If I can write it effectively that way.
3. The hero, often a demi-god, possesses distinctive weapons of great size and power, often heirlooms or presents from the gods. He utilises the Scythe of the Reapers given to him by Death itself. That, as well as the Reapers Cloak will play a part in the story dynamics.
4. The hero must undertake a long, perilous journey, often involving a descent into the Underworld (Greek, "Neukeia"), which tests his endurance, courage, and cunning. I hope to be able to tell a compelling struggle with his own sanity as well the physical burdens he must overcome.
5. Although his fellows may be great warriors (like Achilles and Beowulf, he may have a commitatus, or group of noble followers with whom he grew up), he undertakes a task that no one else dare attempt. Perhaps the brightest moment for any hero tale and one that I almost have figured out.
6. Whatever virtues his race most prizes, these the epic hero as a cultural exemplar possesses in abundance. His key quality is often emphasized by his stock epithet: "Resourceful Odysseus," "swift-footed Achilles," "pious AEneas." At the core of Venge's being will be his love. And, attached firmly to the love will be his determination.
7. The concept of arete (Greek for "bringing virtue to perfection") is crucial to understanding the epic protagonist. I will have to research this more as I am not sure that I have captured it yet, within my story.
8. The hero establishes his aristeia (nobility) through single combat in superari a superiore, honour coming from being vanquished by a superior foe. That is, a hero gains little honour by slaying a lesser mortal, but only by challenging heroes like himself or adversaries of superhuman power. This will build on itself throughout the story as he defeats increasingly powerful adversaries and 'earns' the title of Venge.
9. The two great epic adversaries, the hero and his antagonist, meet at the climax, which must be delayed as long as possible to sustain maximum interest. One such device for delaying this confrontation is the nephelistic rescue (utilized by Homer to rescue Paris from almost certain death and defeat at the hands of Menelaus in the Iliad). I have not yet decided on the primary antagonist of the story, but I have narrowed it to 3.
10. The hero's epic adversary is often a "god-despiser," one who has more respect for his own mental and physical abilities than for the power of the gods. The adversary might also be a good man sponsored by lesser deities, or one whom the gods desert at a crucial moment. Each of the three I have in mind all possess the qualities, so this will not be an issue.
11. The hero may encounter a numinous phenomenon (a place or person having a divine or supernatural force) such as a haunted wood or enchanting sorceress that he most use strength, cunning, and divine assistance to overcome. In fact, rare will the encounter which will not be.

Notes on Epic Poetry

An epic or heroic poem falls into one of two patterns, both established by Homer: the structure (and allegory to life) may be either war or journey, and the hero may be on a quest (as Odysseus is) or pursuing conquest (as Achilles is). Features of legend building evident in epic include the following:

I'm not sure my story falls clearly into just one of these. But, as Venge is not doing it to control a kingdom or claim any of it as his own, then the majority of the story falls under the journey/quest.

1. the hero's near-invulnerability (Achilles' heel, the spot on Seigfried's back); Spirit healing and agility will create doubts about his mortality.
2. the hero's fighting without conventional weapons (as in Beowulf's wrestling Grendel); Venge will utilise martial fighting styles and improvised weaponry when dealing with 'lesser' adversaries.
3. the hero's inglorious youth (again, Beowulf affords an example); Not really an issue within the story.
4. the hero's auspicious birth (for example, Christ's or Buddha's), an attempt at the reconstruction of the early life of a notable adult (ex., stories of Jesus' childhood); It will be stated that his youth/birth was insignificant compared to the present. This will not be a messianic tale as much as it will be a rejoice of the glory of man.
5. transference of the deeds and events associated with one hero to another of similar name (for example, Saint Patrick and Sir Gawain). Such events would include the gods' arming a hero (a metaphor for wondrous strength so great it must have seemed to have divine origins) and the hero's descending to the Underworld (a metaphor for facing and overcoming death); More research needed.
6. historical inclusiveness: the poem presents a whole culture in microcosm —although the action is localized (for example, Troy and its environs in Homer's Iliad), flashbacks and inset narratives widen the epic's geographical and chronological scope to include the whole of that race's world and culture heroes; If anything the scope of the story will encompass the amount of time more that amount of geography covered.
7. the hero is a dramatic protagonist in each scene of a play (notice the emphasis on dialogue and set speeches) that is too big for any stage. Venge will be far more animated when he is 'on the scent' of one of his targets.

My Thoughts

The are two more points that I noticed present within most heroic stories.

• The Protagonist usually gains Followers. Whether it be an army of loyal subjects or companions. In the case of companions they may possess abilities greater that the protagonist, but not in the area that the protagonist has gained notoriety for: Strider.
• There is typically a turncoat/traitor. They may either be a member of the protagonist's party who leaks information to the antagonist (usually this traitor learns the error of their ways and rejoins the Protagonist's cause: Lando Calrissian), or it may even be an antagonist whom joins the protagonists cause (sometimes not gaining the full respect of the rest of the party until later in the quest: Lancelot).

Progress Retort

What have I been doing?

Jack.

Cracking my skull against the walls in the hopes that something would come seeping out.
Becoming overwhelmed.
Being defeated.
Life and the complexities that lie within it.
Personal ambition overshadowed by reality.

I get the feeling that I am not the person who was meant to write/draw this damn thing.
I get the feeling that some curse was placed on me to hold my dreams just out of reach.
I feel like something is missing. One little thing that would pull this all together.

I don't like feeling this way. I sit with my hands lying limply in my lap. I imagine the ruby beads pooling beneath me as I slowly drift off to sleep.

I jolt awake. It was only imagined as I lack conviction. I lack the strength.
I hate feeling that way. I bury those thoughts fearing that connecting with them any further would make dreams come true.

Damn you Venge.
Damn you Kara.

Damn me.

I could draw picture after picture of the cast of characters for this story. I can imagine great and interesting stories to involve them in. I can even see where it will all lead.

I cannot tell a story. Even reciting stories from my own past fail in the realms of entertainment. I state facts. I am distant from the emotions experienced at the time. I do not feel. I thought I knew what made others sad, afraid, excited. I am told that I am wrong.

I think they were lying. Maybe if not to me, then to themselves. I hate liers. I curse the first lier to an eternity of never knowing what is real.

And, yet, here I am. Obsessing over the ability to tell a fictional tale of loss and redemption... And I doubt if I ever had anything actually taken from me... I doubt if I can even be redeemed.

I curse the person who made me doubt.
They probably explained it as being realistic.

Never pollute another with your shortcomings.
Imagine the feats our children could achieve if they had no limits.

Maybe then they will never know what it means to chase a dream, for they will know the elation of what it means to catch a dream.

This Will Be Epic...

A day late, a dollar short... The story of my life. I posted a status update on FB stating how I would have something of epic proportions yesterday (posted 06/09/10 promised for 06/10/10). So, a day later here it is:

Previously I was struggling for an ending to this story. I always imagined it as a continuing series lasting years. I concluded that I don't have the time or skill to complete a monthly comic book and have it completed on a regular schedule. So that got me to thinking about just releasing one big graphic novel covering what would be 13+ standard comic book 'issues'. But the problem arose about what the conclusion would be. Where could I find an ending to a story that never had one?

I continued to fight myself about the story. What was going to be included in the myriad of ideas swirling in my mind? I put these thoughts away as I researched writing tips.

I cracked into Will Eisner's 2nd book in his 'Principles and Practices from the Legendary Cartoonist' series entitled 'Graphic Storytelling and Visual Narrative'. Where the first book in the series covered the history and values of comics/graphic novels, this one covers the actual processes and considerations for creating the story and telling it. Where the first was more of a 'why' this is more of a 'how'.

During this same time frame, I was researching normal writing processes and storytelling outlines. I'm not what I would consider a 'writer' so I looked to outside sources for tips and outlines. Any attempts to look into hero stories always uncovered some drivel by Joseph Campbell. His work contains some merit but not enough to warrant using it as the premise behind my work. I, apparently, didn't want to tell his 'hero story'. I knew the basics of what I was looking for. I knew the kind of story I wanted to tell. I recall bits and pieces from when our class studied it in high school (Mythology and Folklore class), but I could not find the right words to describe it.

A bit more digging uncovered exactly what I was looking for. There were these stories told (back in the day), recited orally and usually in a poetic nature. The more I read into them, the more they clicked with exactly what I wanted to write. As I increased in my research into them, the more I felt kind of ashamed. While the flow/pace, style, and plot points meshed exactly with what I wanted to create, the title of these tales were presumptuous.

They are the Epic Poems of mythological times. While they are mostly related to the Norse and Greek to our western culture, I discovered that many other cultures were telling the same type of Epics. I resist the urge to go into detail about these epics as I don't want to give too much away about the plot. But if the time between blog posts increases to too great of a distance, then I may have to let loose some details. I encourage you to look into the difference between a Heros Journey and an Epic Peom.

So there I had it. The story I wanted to tell. It wasn't going to be a tale about a hero after all. It was going to be an epic tale. And now that I have an outline to create from, it will be easier to determine exactly which of my story arcs to include. I will have an easier time of establishing a pace. And I know what needs to happen to end the story. I have the ending.

I have decided to create possibly this first graphic epic, but I doubt it. I would have to look into it. But in either case...

This will be Epic!

No End In Sight

I have a story to tell. That has been clearly expressed here in these blogs. I have been tripping over myself trying to start. I do not want to create something that I can not change in the future. So then, I have been trying to organise my ideas into a steady flow from beginning to end... and therein lies the problem.

I don't have an ending.

When I first postulated the character, I had always imagined him in a continuing saga. But every story needs a conclusion. A standard comic book can have a story run in just one issue or it can take upwards of a year (12 issues). When I first outlined the story I planned it to run 13 issues in a monthly series with the last issue containing twice the pages. My skills are not such that I could complete the first issue, publish it and have the next ready the following month.

I have too many obligations outside of this project. Employment, maintenance, and family all play a part in my day-to-day activities. I doubt that my first published issue would see enough in financial returns to warrant cutting employment out of the equation. Things always need maintained in such an irregular schedule that they can not be anticipated or eliminated. And family will always be an integral part of my life to such a degree that removing them from my situation would leave no lasting purpose to complete it. It is true that I am doing this because I feel that I have a story that has never been told in this way. I would like to be recognised for it, but equally important is leaving a legacy.

So then, I can not, at this time, create a monthly series unless I complete all of them before releasing even one to the public. If I must complete the whole story then I must have a definite stopping point. A definite end. I must create it in much the same way that a standard book would be with the standard rise and fall of plot that would occur. So that got me to thinking: why not just create a 300 page complete graphic novel?

My first outline had the story run from point A to point B with distractions C through Z. Each issue would have a subplot to deal with and plethora of secondary characters to introduce and follow along with. Comics tend to have a quicker pace to them than a standard book does. So, by merging the two concepts into one, I find that I must streamline it a bit more. I have to consider the pacing of 300 pages not just 20-24. Any 'distractions' I introduce have to be for the benefit of the story and not just to express an interesting character idea I had/have.

So that is where I am now. Trying to clearly define the ending which must be done in order to find the order in my chaotic storm of ideas.

Writer Wrong

So... the barrier I had placed before myself has been broken through. I long anticipated being able to draw the actual pages of this novel, but I do not think I fully conceived of the massive scope of this project. I have stated many times that I am not a writer, per se. So how is it that I believed I could write this story? Drawing a series of pictures in sequence is easy enough if you already know the exact sequence that they should fall. In order for that to happen, I must create that sequence myself. In essence, I must write the story completely just as I would a standard written novel. Then I must draw every sentence/paragraph/page/chapter ect.

I imagine that this would be easier if I was a writer who had a knack for drawing, not vice versa. I thought that having a general idea of the story would allow for all the images to just fall into place. But, it will not be as easy as drawing a bunch of pictures and then arranging them like some newspaper editor. If you are a writer, imagine that after writing a section of your story, the only edits that you can make are only spelling. Imagine writing a single page at a time and printing it to never be able to reorganise or add/delete whole sections.

To put it into a greater perspective, one paragraph of story is one panel in a comic book. One page (give or take) is one full page in a comic and one chapter is a whole issue. If you are an avid reader, imagine this when you read. Imagine how it would be laid out and possibly how it would look. Admittedly this is fairly easy after the complete story is presented before you. So then, it appears I have to do the same with this story.

You may have noticed that I have the overall story completely thought out. I have the major plot points outlined and I have all the characters generalised beyond the main character. I had these details outlined on page with considerations for pacing and storytelling. I even had the first issue plotted and ready for it to be drawn. But, once rendered, it will be difficult and nearly impossible to make edits to later.

So now there is going to be a period of a strict writing regiment with very little being drawn. This is unacceptable for me. I should have taken time while I was rehashing Venge's outfit to write in detail on this story. Some of which I was able to accomplish on this blog. But, at the time, I thought I had the story figured out and it would just flow onto the pages. Now I'm not sure if I want to write it with that standard comic book layout of 24 +/- pages an issue or if I want to write it like a true graphic novel composing of continuous pages with breaks only where the story allows for (i.e. chapters). I am leaning more towards the second. Then, after I get this thing published and see some returns, I can then just work on secondary characters/stories in a continuing series format.

The solution: Divide my time up between drawing and writing. I will spend some time drawing secondary characters and detailing there look while I write the first page. Then I will spend my time drawing the newly written page while writing the next.

We'll see how it goes. And if my last solution is any indication, it won't go as planned =]

Funeral Progression Pt.2

Spent some time reminiscing about my past, the people and situations that affected me and the growth I have noticed. I know this is not the typical "poor me" stuff I usually write about, but having accomplished a large milestone has given me a moment to reflect on the better things in life.

The only regret I have is the situations where I was not able to swallow my pride and instead sacrificed a piece of myself for the benefit of another. I regret not letting the other person(s) know exactly what I was feeling. There are a large number of things that would have happened differently. I may even have ended up in a loving relationship by now.

I regret it deeply, but had I a chance to do it all over again, I do not know if I would change a thing.

In my reflecting I thought back to the first image I ever drew of Venge. I thought back to when the ideas were flowing about merging several Gothic tales into one massive storyline. So emotionally invested in it and so inspired by it, that I still have that first picture.

As a measure of that process and progress, I have for you a comparative display of this first drawing along with my most recent.

Funeral Progression

I've been grinning all day. I am quite pleased with myself. I'm not sure if it was the motivational talk I had the other day. I'm not sure if was coworkers pointing out their views about my artistic talent. I'm not even sure if it was just some sudden burst of inspiration, but Venge's new outfit has been measured, created, fitted, and now ready for the catwalk.

Since I just happened to post frequent updates about this progress, I thought it would be neat to include them all here and treat you to the final product at the end. There are a few sketches I did in between some of these to flesh out ideas, but I will save you from them. You should be able to click on any image for a large scaled version. Sometimes it's not so easy to edit it that way...

So, without further ado, I give the progression on the road to putting this thing to rest:

... but I can see it from here.

Nope. Still not finished. Now uncross your arms and stop tapping your foot! I'm more anxious than anyone to see this thing pushed out to sea to set sail on it's maiden voyage. But, the builders don't have it finished yet. Under normal circumstances I would have shelves this project and moved onto something else. Almost did a couple times in fact. I must be growing up, because this is the first time I have not procrastinated about finishing something. I am going to see this thing through!

I recently met up with a good friend whom I highly respect. I didn't want to meet and discuss this project because I feel that it is not coming along as fast as I want it to. And I am, frankly, ashamed with the feelings that this is not coming along as fast as I think other expect. So, after a few hours of talking about the economy, politics, gadgets, movies, and music; the conversation eventually came around to Venge. I expressed my disappointment in my own performance as the reason why I didn't want to discuss it in the first place. He helped me to realise that the barriers that I was putting in my way were unnecessary. He suggested that I just start the comic pages, leave an empty space or some facsimile in any spots where Venge would be drawn until I get his costume finalised. And it's just crazy enough to work. I have yet to start with this format, but I look forward to it.

Oh yeah. Feast your eyes upon this latest update as it is very nearly at it's completion... (click image for full size version)

Dream or Tame Nightmare?

I had a dream that woke me. I wakened feeling quite proud of myself and full of accomplishment. Then I became immediately ashamed...

I have been able to form and maintain friendships with women. I am able to be my dorky self without fear. This is due to the fact that the women are in a committed relationship. I have always placed a high value on an established relationship that I would not do anything to jeopardise it. I abhor cheaters. Having a lower-than-average self esteem means that I do not think I could could ever provide for them better than what they are already experiencing. Who am I to stand in the way of love? I know that I can be a pretty smooth talker so I keep flirtatious comments to a minimum. I would not want to charm someone to leave their current relationship to take a chance on me failing them.

But, in this dream, I was that guy. I was the other man charming someone away from their mate... And I liked it. I was able to gain the affections from another in such a powerful way that they felt no shame in displaying it in front of their partner. I was the one they wanted and I couldn't contain myself.

After I woke up I felt ashamed. As I am apt to see both sides of a story, I felt for the other guy. The one rejected. The one betrayed. The one that was totally disrespected. I don't remember any details about him. I don't know if he was a total douche. I don't know if he was abusive or a deadbeat. And the fact that those details did not stay with me, leads me to believe that it didn't matter to my subconscious self.

I felt... powerful. Worthy. Loved. And I hate it now. I am ashamed.

What does it mean? Is that truly what I want to be? Or was it some way for my subconscious to uncork the bottle ever so slightly and let out some frustration? I am sure that there is some dream analysis that could determine the root causes and justification. It has me kind of worried.

I am not that guy. I don't want to be that guy... I thought.

Builds Character

Ack!

I said that it would be about a week for the costume Design Board to be completed with my finalised design idea...

Here it is... but not completed yet.

Changed the costume in incorporate a hard armor look to the boots and gloves. Changed the pose a bit (his right leg it still... wonky). Gave the hairdo a bit more motion. Still have to add all the straps, finely detail the lines and give it some "color".

I've been spending a little extra time at work fleshing it out. Made some changes that I am happy with. I will probably make a few more before it sees print. But, I figured you were all due for an update. I'm not good at deadlines... I get distracted. This is turning into more of a 'man in motion' picture than an effective design board. Perhaps, when I get this done, I will make modifications to the previous one I was doing and add the elements that I have decided on here.

I don't foresee this taking more than another week. I'll let you know.

Reintroduction

Onlooker: So, whatcha drawing there?
Me: The main character for my graphic novel, Venge.
Onlooker: Oh, neat. What's it about?
Me: ... It's a long story...

* * *

I find it hard to summarise this story. I have had so many ideas incorporated into this that I find it difficult to hit the main points without leaving out the most interesting. I want to tell the world my idea but I want it to be told in this format I have chosen (graphic novel). Possibly after it's completion I would like to see it branch into multiple mediums. Books, TV, Movies and even offshoots based upon the secondary characters.

So how to explain it whilst still retaining secrecy and without sounding dismissively rude? I want anyone who is genuinely interested to know the whole story... but it's a long one. The snippets I have written here have provided some of the details but it may seem difficult to chew through commentary in between.

What follows will be my attempt to provide a short version, an outline, and a long version.

* * *

Short Version

Venge fell in love with the physical embodiment of Death. Now he kills bad people for a chance to see her again.

Outline

• God created the Earth


• God created his mate, Wogod


• Wogod changed her name to Lilith


• God and Lilith created Man and Woman


• God uncreated Lilith


• Lilith recreated and fought with God


• God and Lilth created the Ungod


• Reality became unbalanced


• Ungod created balance by imposing limits on humanity, God, and Lilith


• Ungod became the forces of Karma, Death, and Judgement


• Charon dies and is judged by Ungod


• Ungod mandates that it, God, and Lilith live lives as humans


• Ungod becomes embodied as Camelia Roper


• Camelia falls in love with Darren Duvoss


• Camelia's 'Death' persona leaks through to her mortal form


• Camelia dies during a death experiment in which Darren is held responsible


• Darren is deemed mentally unstable and unable to stand trial


• Darren kills himself while institutionalised


• Ungod stops Darren from dying and gives him the powers of a Reaper


• Darren becomes possessed by the spirits of vengeful souls


• Darren assumes the name Venge and becomes the Ungod's Angel of Vengeance


• Venge can see spirits, ghosts, God, Lilith, Ungod and into a person's soul, thus allowing him to see the Ungod when it comes to claim a soul


• Venge finds himself confronting the Undead, Clergy from various religions, and himself


• Venge's greatest enemy proves to be Rasputin who was able to avert death by removing his soul from his body and possessing another.


• Amongst his adversaries are the souls trapped in his head, the jealous Charon, a Necromancer, a man scientist, a cult of Vampires, Werewolves, Ghosts, a local law enforcement supernatural task force, Religious orders, God's Angels, Lilith's Daemons, Lilith herself, self doubt, and his own mortality

Long Version

The Beginning: http://midknightmares.blogspot.com/2009/12/beginning_15.html

Beginning Continued: http://midknightmares.blogspot.com/2009/12/deal.html

A New Beginning: http://midknightmares.blogspot.com/2009/12/embodied.html

Inception: http://midknightmares.blogspot.com/2009/12/truth-is-perception.html

Perspective: http://midknightmares.blogspot.com/2010/04/unrequited.html

Summary: http://midknightmares.blogspot.com/2010/01/nothing-more-than-feelings.html

Voidfiller

There are certain things that I want to do with every moment of my life. When I am unable to do those things I fill them with something else.

Unfortunately, for all of my (dare I say) fans, I do not fill it with drawing. Drawing for me has always been dutiful. I have never drawn for the fun of it. I draw primarily to express an idea.

If I could sit and think up stuff all day for a living I would be pleased. Imagining, creating, designing. These are the things that drive me. I have always been able to draw an idea better than I have been able to describe it. I guess that this is some sort of blessing, because I cannot reason how another would not be able to do the same.

My mind is (over)active. When bored, I will daydream. When inspired, I will brainstorm.

When I cannot spend time doing the things that I want with the people I want to, I will withdraw. I would prepare myself by opening my chest to the event. But, when I am let down, a void remains. I look to anything else to fill that void. Luckily for me, drugs, alcohol, and promiscuity have never found a place in that void. Unluckily, electronic/theatrical entertainment has.

I got the latest void filled and inspiration has found its way to my pencil. Look for this as a finished product shortly:

Striking a Discord With Me

More that the occasional blog posts have been devoted to a vicious loop of inspiration and disappointment. I have asked Venge many times to draw himself, but it appears that he is likewise uninspired. Every moment that a look to a piece of paper I have to look past the obvious image therein to an image of Venge. So determined to start running with my dream that I overlook anything else. I have purposefully deflected requests to create something not related to this story.

I have had breaks from drawing in the hopes that I would return refreshed and reengaged. I succeeded in only frustrating myself with inadequacies.. So, in an attempt to reconnect with my family, I have taken on the task of creating something specifically for them. I can still sharpen my drawing skills while not being weighed down with the burden of dream chasing.

Two complete images, not involved in this story, shall be the subjects. The last time I did something similar to this, I created the images of Venge jumping from the roof top in moonlight and the tip-toe twirl picture that I have become quite pleased with. Perhaps with this endeavor I will be able to create a distraction sufficient to whet my artistic edge whilst supplying a creative outlet. It also begs to reason that I may glean some ambition or insight to spark a resolution to the Venge costume discordance.

That is my subconscious goal. And if it turns out that my creative processes work better under these conditions then I may just have to adapt to accommodate them. Which, when I think about it, would be good news to remedy my apprehension about creating artwork within a timetable that is expected from a comic book artist. If I find that creating multiple images simultaneously is easier or more rewarding, then it may just be how I need to do things.

Damn I can be wordy...
Short version: I'm going to draw a couple pictures for my kids simultaneously with Venge's costume. I hope it turns out like I expect.

Going With My Gut

Venge's new costume failed in the exact places I knew they would. I prepared for the eventuality of fault but still drove forward and hoped I was missing something, or that something else would come out of it. I still failed and should have known better. But man learns best by recovering from his failures. Option A didn't work... time to try B. As long as he can see where it failed.

I hate it when I'm right. I seem to instantly know when something bad has/will soon happen. I do my best to convince myself otherwise. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. But, it has been said that hope is the direct road to disappointment. When it is all said and done though, I feel better knowing the truth. Almost instantly, I feel the burden of bearing the knowledge lifted. I no longer feel the doubts and second guesses. I no longer have to lie to myself. I can then recover from it with everything I was preparing.

I've been busting out the sketches trying different things I like and do not. Different color schemes and varying details. I am nearly to a point that I can feel good about. It will take a bit more trial and error to find that place though.

Through the natural processes of time, I have been able to get the answers I was looking for. Funny, I had only anticipated this to take a few weeks. Now, here I am, a couple months later just starting to find that place. I may not be a good judge of time, but I know when something feels wrong. Even if it wasn't revealed at first, it is now. Time to move past it all and continue from where I left off.

I suppose I should just stay with my instincts. But if I did that, I would not have been able to get some insight into it all. I trudged through it and now my work can only reflect this in a positive way.

Man of Glass

I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way. Everyone probably already knows this. All they have to do is ask and I roll up my sleeve and reveal the place where I wear my heart.

If you've already been privy to what my heart holds then it somehow takes hold of you. It must. There is no other explanation for how those people shy away from it. They must be careful with this man lest they break him.

Am I really that weak? Am I not a grown man who has been broken before? Am I truly teetering that close to insanity that no one wants to be the one who drives me over the edge? It is true that I bottle up most of my emotions, negative and positive. I must, so that I do not unleash my passions unchecked. This is the curse of the passionate man. This also causes me to dwell on those emotions. But never have they become too much to handle. Never has that bottle become uncorked. It never has and it never will.

They say that bottling up those emotions is unhealthy. That they eat a man up from the inside. Am I then a hollow man? One big glass bottle of pent up emotion? I laugh at this.

So it is that I am either too close to insanity or too sweet to sour that things are hidden from me. The truth, no matter how hard you hide it, is still the truth. Is it better to reveal it and deal with it? Or is it better to conceal it and reel with it? I guess it is always easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission.

I am great. Not because I think so, but because others feel they must tell me so. They have nothing to gain by telling me such things. They are not trying to get into my pants. So I must believe them. If it is, that I am so great, then it will not be long before someone realises this. Someone who would want to have me all for themselves. How great would that be? To have someone pursue me as much as I them?

I thought I had that kind of thing happen to me recently. It was an awesome sensation. Cloud nine and all that jazz. So what the hell happened? I doesn't make a whole lot of sense. The answers don't match the emotions. Something else has occurred. I can't ask because I am tired of not getting the whole truth.

I am a great man. Someone will realise that and I will be powerless to resist her. Just as she will be powerless to resist me.

So it is that I cast this glass man against the walls of the unanswered and unasked questions. I sweep up his shattered remains and throw them back in the fire. I blow him back up in the same form he was before. The Man of Glass reborn!

I am sensitive, and I am going to stay that way.

Unrequited

Status update: Still fighting through sketches of Venge in his new outfit. Nothing is meshing as well as I thought. Definately finding things I like and do not. Elements I want clearly included and conveyed in his dress. And other elements that I want included but subdued.

Ended a one month relationship. Unsure of where I stand emotionally. All that I AM sure of is that I hate it. The feelings. The doubts. The overwhelming sense of limbo and powerlessness.

The new sketchpad is working out great. Easy to smuggle into work and it looks oh so... right? Yeah, I just got excited about looking the part of the aspiring artist. In school they told us to take a fictional picture of ourselves in our dream jobs. Positive imagery it is called. I never did it, but I can see its uses now that I am toting an 18"x18" black bag with my sketch board/sketchpad.

Been a while since I posted a part of my story. Enough things have happened to me recently to be able to put one part of my story into writing. Venge's story, that is. What follows has been imagined but not yet written. Here is that rough draft:

* * *

. I have been able to relieve myself of some of these vengeful spirits. It has become easier to think. Not nearly as disjointed or chaotic. Their words are merely whispers and their prompts are merely suggestions.

. Why is it, then, that I feel an overwhelming sense of something very bad coming my way? Here I stand over the body of one Dane Schelt. Here within me, China awaits the arrival of my beloved Camellia to take them both away. To take Dane to the afterlife judgement and to take China where ever it has already been determined she will go.

. But where is Cami? Where is my gothic bride and love? Where is this entity of judgement, karma, and death? An hour we have all been here waiting. An hour of my elation. An hour of China finally being able to rest. An hour of, who knows what, for Dane; no longer alive but most certainly dead. Yet his soul just sits there waiting too.

. We have long tired of waiting for what we had expected to happen next. Dane's dead eyes stare up at the sky, unseeing, but I can sense his soul is stuck in a sort of limbo.

. China stopped asking me if Cami was coming about half an hour ago. I can sense that she is bound for God's Heaven and I can understand her frustration. How many years has she waited for this? I even abated her request to "make sure he's dead". At first my words of reassurance were enough. But she eventually became frustrated and took control of my arm to stab him again. After that time, I simply did the same when she wanted me to check again. But, for the last thirty minutes she has been quietly weeping. She must doubt that she will be able to go to heaven after all.

. One hour it has been since I severed Dane's soul from his mortal shell. I was euphoric. I could not wait to see Cami again. I was dancing and laughing like we used to do. Five minutes is all it took for me to realise that something was wrong. I feared I had killed the wrong person. I doubted everything that was presented to me. I panicked. I checked the facts. But I wasn't wrong.

. Now I sit here and stare into Danes eyes with China weeping in my head and we wait.

. A robed and hooded figure appears before us. I jump to my feet and my heart jumps to catch up. A skeletal hand appears from the large black sleeve of the robe and quickly snatches up the soul of Dane. The hand returns to the folds of it's robe and reappears again without the soul. Like a flash the hand passes through my head and pulls the soul of China from me. The hand enters it's other sleeve and remains in the pose of a monk.

. The robed figure turns to walk away. My heart shatters.

. The words erupt from my chest drenched in hurt, "Wait... what about...?...Where are you going?"

. A mans voice comes from the figure. A voice that I recall from the few times I have dreamed.

. "You do not expect that I will also kiss you as she had?" The figure turns to face me and lowers it's hood.

. "Charon? But where is Camellia, I mean the Ungod?" Camellia, Death, Karma, the Ungod has many names given to it.

. "If it is that I am here in her place, then it must be that she is there in a mortal's place," His words are laced with spite, "If it is that I am here, then you understand that I must not remain for long. There is much that she can accomplish with all of her power. She bestowed upon me much power for a mortal, but it is only a fraction of that which she possesses. There is much I must do in her stead."

. I want desperately to know of her whereabouts. I want to be with her again and protect her if I need to. I begin to ask all of these questions but Charon cuts me off before I can utter a sound.

. "You have a job to do, Darren. Your place is as a displaced Reaper. You must claim the souls of those few who have been assigned to you. You will do so until you are no longer required to. That is your place in this world."

. "But I only do it for her," I blurt out.

. Charon's eyes narrow and a smile creeps onto his otherwise sullen face, "You do it to provide a balance to yourself and this world. Only then can you achieve that goal of eternal bliss. But, I wonder, have you given that goal much thought? Eternal bliss has only been offered in Heaven by God himself. And you would have gone there if she had not seduced you. So fucking noble and self sacrificial that you were destined for none other. But you gave it all away. You know that she can not join you in Heaven, don't you? So you murder mortals, your own kind, all for the sake of this 'Entity', that cares nothing for us!"

. Charon's words are starting to find their way into my soul. Camellia's stories of him are proving true. I lash out with my passion.

. "I do it because I love her!," I say with everything I can remember of her, "What would you know about it?"

. Charon looks disappointed, like I have let him down. He looks down at his skeletal hands, "I was bound for Lilith's Hell, did you know that? At my final judgement I stood before your Camellia and willed myself to speak. She had pronounced judgement upon me and I debated with her. Not that she was incorrect, but that she did not have the right. Even when she proclaimed that she had reality on her side, I fought her with words. One moment she was there before me and the next she was gone. I had feared that I would be sent to hell anyway, but she returned.

. "Not only did I convince her, but she offered to save me from Hell in return for my assistance. Who would not accept an invitation like that? I talked with her in the days that followed. I told her of what it meant to be human. I showed her as much as I could. And I too, fell in love with her. But no matter how much I told her or showed her, she could not be brought to understand."

. "And then YOU come along!," I can feel the rage building within him now, "YOU, who were bound for heaven would willingly give that up for her? YOU, who would make her see that which I had tried for so long to do. Ages I tried. And now it is you who asks me what I would know about it?"

. He drops his hands to his sides.

. "Perhaps you are correct. But I do not have the time to debate it with you. So I will leave you with this: Why does not this Eternal Entity spend more time with you or show you her love? Does she truly love you?"

. His hands return to his sleeves and he is gone. I wnated to let him know that I understand that she has many responsibilities. I wanted to let him know that I have no doubts about her love. But he is gone too suddenly. I think he wants it this way so that I can become consumed with his words. Imagine now if everything you see, if reality, was being looked at as a reflection in a pool. Now imagine it ripple. My reality has just rippled.

. Yep, something very bad is coming my way.

Art Imitates Life

It is cliche. Venge has become me. Or I have become Venge. I'm not exactly clear which happened first. Venge is the amalgam of many different ideas and plots. He is the culmination of everything I would like to see/read in a story. I suppose it was inevitable that he would become the tragic hero I had so much envisioned myself as. How big of me to envision myself as anything closely resembling a hero. Perhaps Venge can be the hero I cannot. And, in turn, I can vicariously experience the awe and acclaim of heroism with him. So many authors experience a kind of 'one hit wonder' with books. Most likely due to this trait of writing about ourselves. Additionally Venge can be strong when I cannot. He can sacrifice when it would pain me. He can face the opposition when I would avoid it.

But Venge is empty. Nearly soulless. So much of his being is wrapped up in the exploits of another. Every ounce of his being is tied to a dream. A quest to complete until his final days. If he fails, everything before will be as for nothing. If he stops then he will not be able to return. I bet Venge hates me for not giving him more options. More leeway. A chance to rest. I know I hate me, no reason why he would not.

Venge has sacrificed himself to be able to love again. He could probably give up the ghost and have a normal life where he would be loved. He could be loved and love another right now, but he would never again get to experience the true love of before. He could love now and sacrifice later. But no, he would rather be tormented with voices, question his own sanity, and kill relentlessly all for a chance. What a terrible monster I have created. Sacrifice today... love tomorrow.

I will sacrifice loving right now for a chance to love more truthfully in the future.That's what I do. I sacrifice. All I have to give is myself. I like it that way. Take what you will of me, Venge. I cannot be strong for myself because I am strong for everyone else. You must all take from me my strength. That is what it is there for.

How can a man who does not love himself, love another? Where does a man get the strength? It's better if you do not know. But I can tell you that both are very possible, just watch.

I am sorry, Venge, that I had to be your creator. That you had to be created in my image is something I would never had wished on anyone. I still do not wish it on anyone.

Chalk this up to another Knightmare. Something else that I fear to do for my dream.

Throw Update

I forgot that I was just going to darken in the lines for the picture. I forgot that I was going to play around with the colorization on the computer.

I got carried away.

While darkening in for a better scan I found myself adding the dark and light tones on the original piece. Just got lost in making modifications, accepting the changes, and then progressing further. You may notice that the hair-do got brought in and 'toned down'. You may also notice that the mask was compacted more and brought more in scale with the rest.

You may even notice that I started coloring in the costume. I was absolutely correct when I presumed that the straps would blend in. In fact I colored them in later as so the were white the whole time I was shading the rest in. They also stood way out remaining white. I am so ashamed of how it turned out. Freaking confusing and way too 'busy' to recreate continuously and in smaller detail.

My girlfriend realised my frustration. And while she claims to not have an artistic eye, she offered me the greatest advice: Maybe if you redo it with just a full size outline, make copies of it, then experiment with copies... This is one of the many reasons I love her. Blatantly stating what I had intended to do, but had forgotten. Got myself a keeper here =]

Looking on this work of mine, I may just have to shelve it. I do enjoy the new costume elements I have added and changed, but I really should have done more experimenting before creating a 'finished' design board.

A couple of good things have come from this (as I am open to see both the good and the bad in a situation). I have a better understanding of what it is that I am trying for. I can see what elements are more distracting than they are useful. And, just as Charon had to bring it to the attention of the Primal Entities, I understand the value of having the 'common' eye looking upon my creations.

Take from this what you will.

Disgusting expulsion of what I am working on.

Sometimes, vomiting makes us feel better.

Expense Accountability

The next step has been taken. I spent a little bit of this latest paycheck to purchase an 18"x18" drawing board complete with handsome carrying case (for smuggling into work) as well as a tablet of 18"x12" drawing paper.

Some miscalculations lead to not enough area to draw on, but this is still progress. There is a clipboard clip on the drawing board which cuts down on the work space by just enough to make the paper hang off the end. *shrugs* I guess I just won't use that side of it =] It also looks like I misplaced my long straightedge and I will have to get another that measures at least 18".

Almost bought a $200.00 "L" shaped desk complete with hutch (that part that has the shelves and cabinets behind/above the desk). Would have saved $128.00 +/-. Thought better of it. Would have loved to have the additional workspace at home for drawing. But it's just not in my budget.

Priced some Wacom Cintiq Tablet Monitors... even refurbished they run over $1k... just another dream I guess. Maybe someday I will work for a company that uses them.

A sudden realisation that all my clothing possessed holes prompted some emergency clothes shopping. Holes filled, so to speak.

Venge design board nearing completion. A slight hiatus onset by unexpected sickness (not supplied by my girlfriend, by the way) caused delays in its completion. Here is a quick scan plus mods of my current progress. I am having some personal questions about coloration for this latest design.

Since my Graphic Novel with consist of only 1 color, I have to take extra care in where I use that color. The story will be told in shades of black/white/grey and red. Had this idea since before Sin City so no duping there. Venge's 'costume' will consist of only black and white. The current idea is for white hair, mask, gloves, boots, and elbow and knee pads. The chest, upper arms/legs will be black along with certain detail areas (fingers, toe of boots, and the 'dots' located on the mask, gloves, boots, and pads). I am not yet sure if I want the straps to be black to blend in or white to stand out. I am sure that either direction I turn will be extreme. They will totally blend in or totally stand out.

Now that I have made this scan I can slop some 'ink' on it with Photoshop and see which I like better. I do apologise about the lack of scanned detail. This is only and rough draft and it will get darker and have more defined lines before completion. Been pounding my mind's eye for colorization realisation.

Either way will make or break this design. If you are thinking of feedback, I would like you to consider these design elements that I have been working with and want to incorporate into the design.

1) Reaper - hooded robe, scythe, skull/skeleton

2) Fencer - fencing jacket, gloves, tight pants and shoes

3) Insane - straitjacket, buckles, straps

4) Balance - can't be all black/white, cannot have red, equal portions

While I was sick and did not have the motivation to draw (I really attempted, but just succeeded in staring at the page) I did do some reading about designing graphic novels/comics. In addition to the other book I mentioned in a previous blog entry, I also ordered a 3 volume set of the quintessential bible for the medium. Will Eisner's: Comics and Sequential Art, Graphic Storytelling and Visual Narrative, & Expressive Anatomy for Comics and Narrative. The man was a genius. So much so that they named an award after him. Every artist in the industry will list these as required reading. And, in as much as I have discovered, rightfully so.

I hope my next post will be a great unveiling of the finished product. We'll see what grabs my mind before then.

Temporal Actuation

You know that part in suspense/horror movies where a character is zoomed in on, but their background is pulled away from? That is how this project feels.

The more I reach out for it, the further away it moves. One step forward, two steps back kind of thing. I just want to just into it and ignore the distractions. I want to just start the actual pages already and take the other things as they come.

As soon as I get this final 'costume' design done, that is just what I'll do. If anything else jumps in my way I'll just have to break them down. Don't have a secondary character design yet? Sketch it out real quick and move on. I think that's just what I'll do.

And as with any of my decisions, I have foreseen a problem. I drawn at work in between calls, but I'm not technically allowed. Pen and paper are sort of a 'no-no' when dealing with peoples credit card information. I have been given the green light to draw between midnight and 4 am. So this is how I have been doing my most recent pix. But if I want to move to a 'professional' comic book drawing layout I will need to figure something out. Smuggling in a sketchpad is easy. But toting a large drawing board that holds a standard comic book format 11" x 17" piece of paper/poster board would prove difficult.

It is possible that I could smuggle it in on my lunch at 11;30pm but that would mean sneaking it out early at 2am. Hm. An interesting idea... then I could work on the more mundane sketches after then. I either case I will have to cancel the online distractions I have (MMO's & OCCG's) just so that I can actually get some work done at home.

I think I'm going to buy the tools I need this next paycheck and give it a try.

It was also suggested that I create it on the computer. I pretty nice idea, but my tablet skills are not that good. The computer is set to take the place of my inker, letterer, and colorist. Which leaves me with the pencils, scripts, and editorial duties. Maybe if I had a Wacom tablet monitor I would sing a different tune. But seeing as how they run more than I make in a paycheck, it will just have to wait.

Unless someone would like to sponsor this endeavor =]

The Banality of Design

Update: It's awesome to get the finger from someone you ask to take a look at your work. It definitely let me know exactly what they felt. I post updates on Facebook as you may already be aware. Some people check it out, some people don't. Some who check it out, give feedback. Others do not. But to get the finger is something new. Not only did they not care to look this over, but made the extra effort to let me know. I guess I missed the mark on that person.

Oh well. It just goes to show that I never meant that much to them.

Anyways. Design is the least artistic art form. Of all the arts, it is the most directly affected by it's consumer/buyer. I mean, sure, a designer can add design elements to better appeal to the public eye. But, if their contractor wants more glitter, you have to oblige if you expect your design to be purchased. You can't exactly sell a logo design to a company that does not bear the logo.

But, that is the sacrifice that is made for contract work. Mutually assured buyer for a mutually assured job performed.

I bring this up because of my most recent design board for Venge. It is so BORING! I want to finish it up quickly to move on to the next thing. I want to have something else to draw, to trade off. But everything that will come after, is reliant upon this new design. That, and I'm afraid that if I veer away from it, it will not get completed. I think I'm at the half way point...

Then it will be time to invest in materials and a place to do it in.

Man as God Pt. The Final

Magus Delahardy's story is the last one to showcase the supernatural creatures that will be present within the Venge storyline. Perhaps later, I will detail each of them in so much as an outline can afford.

Detailed below is, possibly, the hardest to write about. Not for the emotions involved, but for quite the opposite. Details about Magus in this story have to be broken down in an intellectual manor.

Of all the supernatural creatures in the Venge world, Magus are most believable. And, with them, is the only part of this story that follows my personal beliefs. ANYTHING is possible.

* * *

"Well," begins Gregor, "you have learned a bit about the history of our world, our reality, and my current subject for observation. It is about time for you to learn of your own subject."
"The man you have been assigned to has been of great interest to just about every supernatural entity that this world possesses. The Observate's are no different."

"We had a Seeker watching him, but he has not reported in recently and all traces of him have vanished. There is no trace of him save for our own, personal accounts. There is no trail for him at all, and even the Seeker's own parents don't remember him. It is as if he has been removed from reality and all existence."

"The name of that Seeker's target, and your new subject is, Edward Delahardy. And he is the only true Magus we have been able to locate."

"Some background about your subject: Magus Delahardy is a user of magics. And magic is not quite what you may take it to be. In fact, with magic, nothing is as it may seem. In it's rawest form, magic is reality control and shaping."

"God created man in his own image. Exactly. Every man has the ability to become 'god'. PCP induced invulnerability, mind over matter, and world records are just some examples of man's ability to break reality's rules. Every man has the ability to create their own reality."

"Each religion and each 'god' held power equal to the amount of people who worshipped it and them. Not just in the amount of clout that the organisation held. The more someone believes in something, or the more people who believe in it, the truer and more real it becomes. It is an unproven theory that science is in fact nothing more than a belief system. A very difficult to debunk belief system. Man knew the world was flat with earth at it's center."

"It takes the very determined and strong willed to be able to thrust their reality upon the common one. And this is the power of the Magus. This is also the reason angels fell to Lilith's ways during the sundering. God bestowed upon man everything he was/is. God created man like himself but created Angels to be servants."

"It is man's ability to create their own reality but their desire to conform to each other that causes reality to be so static now. It would incredibly difficult for a man to fly, nowadays, unless he possessed a strong enough will, or enough strong willed people who truly believed it. This again is the power of the Magus. Doubt is the Magus's worst enemy. Both in themselves, and in the general populace. But, a true Magus has no doubts about the true nature of our malleable reality."

"Magus use several tools to be able to perform their craft. Being able to explain it away or hide the actual reality shifting are just a couple of their tricks. But, the true power in the Magus are their understanding that nothing is real and everything is possible."

"Even as I tell you this, I find it more difficult to grasp than even the true tale of God. But ours is not to question, but to witness and recite. Edwards previous Observate Seeker was a very experienced one. The fact that you are new but quite skilled gives us hope that you will better be able to perform the task."

"His last known whereabouts find him dockside near port 67. Go and find him. You will need every tool we have provided you as well as every ounce of your training with us to perform your job. And, that is precisely why we chose someone of your abilities."

"You may contact me anytime you feel the need... and do be careful."

Man as God Pt. 2

Ok, so I found someone that I feel very strongly towards, and who feels as strongly towards me. Does this mean Venge is going to be a happy, tree hugging, hippy story now? Quite the contrary. At the center of the story is Venge's desire to reconnect will the truest love in all of human existence (even if it was spurned on by the Primordial Entities). Being able to explore those emotions with someone has proved nothing but beneficial.

I can relate more closely to Venge. I can imagine the pain and suffering that comes with being denied those emotions. I can understand the euphoria that washes over him in the fleeting moments when she comes to him to claim a soul. And then to imagine all those feelings getting stripped away in an instant?

So, is this 'certain someone' some sick, artistic, emotional experimentation to achieve a means? Anyone who knows me, even a little, would let you know that I am not capable of any form of this sociopathic behavior. But, it is the artist who applies the emotions and passions to their canvas like paint.

At first, I had fears of being with someone again. I was afraid that, amongst other things, Venge would get left behind. I owe it to everyone who ever had faith in me and this story. I owe it to my family. I owe it to my friends. I owe it to myself. I can't let that happen... and she won't let me.

On a side note, the previous post (Man as God) is a mess. But, I shall leave it in it's current state to further reflect the raw nature of these blog entries. I have already made note of changes needed with the other blog posts, but those shall be left also. At the very least, I have been able to determine a better way to write them in addition to certain plot devices that will be modified in the final draft.

Darn it. I really want to get to Magus Delahardy's story (which I intended to write in the other post and then again in this one), but it looks like that will have to wait for yet another post.