Most common quote from parent/teacher conferences with regards to myself, "Dave is a smart kid, he just needs to apply himself."
What a lame cop-out. So you recognise my ability to solve problems and retain information, but you don't know how to keep my focus? You don't know how I can apply those skills? What? There is really only one way to discern any level of intelligence (smarts). And that is with tests or quizzes. So then, I did well enough in the tests to determine that I retained info, but didn't do well enough. But, then to state that I just need to apply myself means that the questions I missed were simple?
I repeatedly did so well with artistic projects in school that I was tested to join the Gifted and Talented program. I failed that test. I'm not sure how they score it, but it must have been pass/fail. Otherwise the "talented administrators" did not agree with my peers in the general populace of the learning institution.
The one year I tried out for a sport was 9th grade football. I weighed in to be just light enough to be a big guy on the lightweight team or the lightest guy on the heavyweight team.
I was born one day after I was due.
I am afraid that I will always be a big fish in a little pond or drown in a big pond. A day late, a dollar short. Too little, too late.
Poor me. Sh*t hasn't gone my way. I talk like I'm the only one who has problems. People starving, people without homes. At least I am able to eat Ramen noodles to survive and rent week-to-week, what do I have to complain about? I have a job, I have a car. A job where I only get to keep a quarter of what I earn. A car that is unlawful for me to drive.
I stand proudly with my hands behind my back, head held high, waiting for the floor to fall away from me. If I am lucky, a 'crack' will be the last thing I hear.
Until that time, the rope will chafe a bit on my neck.
What a lame cop-out. So you recognise my ability to solve problems and retain information, but you don't know how to keep my focus? You don't know how I can apply those skills? What? There is really only one way to discern any level of intelligence (smarts). And that is with tests or quizzes. So then, I did well enough in the tests to determine that I retained info, but didn't do well enough. But, then to state that I just need to apply myself means that the questions I missed were simple?
I repeatedly did so well with artistic projects in school that I was tested to join the Gifted and Talented program. I failed that test. I'm not sure how they score it, but it must have been pass/fail. Otherwise the "talented administrators" did not agree with my peers in the general populace of the learning institution.
The one year I tried out for a sport was 9th grade football. I weighed in to be just light enough to be a big guy on the lightweight team or the lightest guy on the heavyweight team.
I was born one day after I was due.
I am afraid that I will always be a big fish in a little pond or drown in a big pond. A day late, a dollar short. Too little, too late.
Poor me. Sh*t hasn't gone my way. I talk like I'm the only one who has problems. People starving, people without homes. At least I am able to eat Ramen noodles to survive and rent week-to-week, what do I have to complain about? I have a job, I have a car. A job where I only get to keep a quarter of what I earn. A car that is unlawful for me to drive.
I stand proudly with my hands behind my back, head held high, waiting for the floor to fall away from me. If I am lucky, a 'crack' will be the last thing I hear.
Until that time, the rope will chafe a bit on my neck.
I was talking with a friend of mine going for her Master's in Anthropology so she could teach a special class at a special High School. She joked that the motto in Idaho Schools is "at least we aren't Mississippi". Around the Boise Area in particular I was never impressed with the schools.
ReplyDeleteI said as much in my blog. It's true, creative kids slip through the cracks.
People like us either teach the class or flunk out depending on how much we're willing to devote of ourselves to the task. Being a dreamer requires coming down to earth and considering each choice we make before we make it. Will what we are doing now give us the space and time to create things tomorrow?
I know more than a few dreamers and creatives who have more kids, jobs and obligations than they can handle. It's really hard to live in the moment and make tough decisions now that free us up to create things later. For me, being able to work out of my home and write and design took nearly a decade's worth of decisions, hard work, and no small measure of luck.
I don't think you should merely accept the noose and let your history play out as your future. Start making the small decisions now that will give you greater agency down the road. You owe it to your own creative vision and everyone who's taken the time to believe in what you've been trying to do with it.
You're right.
ReplyDeleteCreative people have an obligation to expose the world to their creative vision.
How easily I forget. To give up is to denie everyone all that I have promised. How selfish that would be.