Have you ever had so much in your arms and go charging up a ladder, only to misjudge the amount of steps it has? I hope you never do. The result is utter disaster and pain. Momentum carries you higher, while gravity pulls you down. Your foot attempts to rest on the next step, that is not there. You come crashing down to the ground in extreme pain, and whatever you were carrying is thrown aside for personal security.
I have had that happen to me literally. And today, it happened to me figuratively.
Six months. I was half a year away from being the first person in my family to have achieved a higher education. Six lousy months from being able to fully realise a personal goal of being a professional artist.
Nearly every person who attends a college or university is on borrowed funds. I was and still am, one of those people. But, I could never pay them back. I was waiting for my career to begin to pay for itself. So those funds have defaulted. I must pay them in order to borrow anymore. I don't blame them. It is only sound business... from an establishment that GIVES money away to failing businesses.
I do not know if I will ever be able to pay them off, let alone be able to pay for a higher education. I should have known this would happen. It is almost Karmic. Actually, it is exactly Karmic. The more I achieve, the more I lose. I better I feel about my life, the worse it gets. If I brag, I fail.
Sure, all is not lost. This only a setback. There are options.
But, not right now.
And not soon.
Right now, I hurt and I cast aside the things I was carrying for my own security.
