I had a dream that woke me. I wakened feeling quite proud of myself and full of accomplishment. Then I became immediately ashamed...
I have been able to form and maintain friendships with women. I am able to be my dorky self without fear. This is due to the fact that the women are in a committed relationship. I have always placed a high value on an established relationship that I would not do anything to jeopardise it. I abhor cheaters. Having a lower-than-average self esteem means that I do not think I could could ever provide for them better than what they are already experiencing. Who am I to stand in the way of love? I know that I can be a pretty smooth talker so I keep flirtatious comments to a minimum. I would not want to charm someone to leave their current relationship to take a chance on me failing them.
But, in this dream, I was that guy. I was the other man charming someone away from their mate... And I liked it. I was able to gain the affections from another in such a powerful way that they felt no shame in displaying it in front of their partner. I was the one they wanted and I couldn't contain myself.
After I woke up I felt ashamed. As I am apt to see both sides of a story, I felt for the other guy. The one rejected. The one betrayed. The one that was totally disrespected. I don't remember any details about him. I don't know if he was a total douche. I don't know if he was abusive or a deadbeat. And the fact that those details did not stay with me, leads me to believe that it didn't matter to my subconscious self.
I felt... powerful. Worthy. Loved. And I hate it now. I am ashamed.
What does it mean? Is that truly what I want to be? Or was it some way for my subconscious to uncork the bottle ever so slightly and let out some frustration? I am sure that there is some dream analysis that could determine the root causes and justification. It has me kind of worried.
I am not that guy. I don't want to be that guy... I thought.
It is my belief that in your dreams you are everything in the dream, or should I say everything in the dream represents a part of you. The charmer (an emotion embodied) the woman (the measure of your power) the man dejected (your relation to that pain) all of them actors in your play... your emotions playing out scenarios, your inner observer watching waiting to see what happens. What-if's visualized.
ReplyDeleteOne single emotion does not define you. You are more whole than that. I see no need to be ashamed.
Inciteful. I never once considered that. To be everyone in my dream makes complete sense as I am the only one who was 'writing' that script. This time I put myself in the 'charmers' place where other times I might have been more likely to assume the 'dejected'.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that this was written about a month after the breakup probably means that my soul was, in a sense, repairing itself by reaffirming some measure of self-worth. Proving that I had it in me?
I am still ashamed though. I don't like the fact that I would, even subconsciously, be capable of something like that, let alone acting out the possibilities.
I realise that it was merely a fantasy, but some fantasies are unhealthy. I guess this is where the id and ego don't agree with me.
It appears that I AM that guy, but choose not to act on it.
Insightful :) I like that word much. "...probably means that my soul was, in a sense, repairing itself by reaffirming some measure of self-worth. Proving that I [still have] it in me?" Yes I believe so.
ReplyDeleteThe complexities of being human are baffling, or at least they should be. One is not taken aback from a lack of moral aptitude. Take at least some solace in the fact that what you feel is more enlightened than that of a big percentage of our population.
...from a lack of their own moral aptitude... that sentence doesn't make sense but I can't edit it. Dammit
ReplyDelete