What is this tragic pain that eats my self esteem?
Her name is/was Kara Briggs. She is my Muse as well as my Succubus and she is responsible for my one and only 'love at first sight' incident.
I was extremely young at the time and full of awe. I could not say that I knew what love was at the time, but I knew the power she had over me. I have said it before, and I have no problems saying it again: Never before had I seen anything like her, and I have yet to do so again. I was compelled. Back in those days, I was a confident ladies man, if you will. But, with Kara, I was weak and powerless. I was afraid for, perhaps, the first time in my life. I wished to gaze upon her, but the will of a mortal is weak in comparison to that of an Angel. Truly. I wished to speak to her, but I knew my brash bravado was not going to be enough or even appropriate. When I could muster the words, they would fall short at seeing her again and I would become reverted and shy. She had a power over me that no other had been able to demonstrate. I can only explain it as celestial.
A project in school required that the class pair up to learn dance techniques. The teacher asked that anyone who had a partner in mind raised their hand. This was my chance. I gathered up my courage and shot my hand into the air. The teacher selected someone behind me and I was shocked to find out that Kara had been selected to choose first. Crud. I just knew that she was going to pick some other guy and my heart sank. I slowly began to lower my hand when Kara said my name.
The cartoons portray it, but I believe that my jaw hit the floor. I was dumbstruck and stunned. Noticing my hand still up, the teacher asked if that was who I wanted to dance with. I could not speak. My jaw was on the floor, after all. All I could muster was an excited puppy dog nod. Kara is, in fact, who I wanted. Of that, I was never more sure.
Events beyond my control took her from me. My family moved to a different town without my knowledge of the event taking place until it had already happened. I could not prepare, nor gather information to remain in contact. That was the first time I lost her. And, as with so many other childish things, she faded with time. I became more introverted and could not explain why.
When I was 17 I enlisted in the Army National Guard. While at Basic Training in Fort Knox, fate would both bless and curse me with the ghosts of my past. It turns out that one of my classmates from back then was also in my training unit. I was anxious to learn of what my other friends had become. It was interesting and exiting to hear of their exploits. And then, from the dark recesses of where I buried it, I spoke her name. I had very nearly forgotten. He confirmed that I was sure about the name I spoke and he then sighed heavily.
"Oh, man, I'm sorry," He began, "She died a couple years ago."
That was second time I lost her.
Joining a new gaming group in Boise reunited me with yet another classmate from the early days. I had swore to never forget her name again and, as soon I learned of someone from my past, I began to investigate. Fearing that my friend in Basic may have harbored feelings of jealousy, I sought to get more facts. I doubted what had been presented to me and I asked my new Gaming 'contact'. She confirmed that, yes, Kara had died in a truck accident.
That was the last time I lost her.
You can say that this was nothing more than 'puppy love'. I tried to tell that too myself, but some things are just too coincidental. Fate HAD to have played a part.
And so, I have sworn never to forget her again. I have sworn to the fact that she must have been 'the one' for me. I swear, she is my True Love.
Prove me wrong.
Please.
I want to love again.
I want to be loved.
I want to be wanted.
* * *
(excerpt from) Gone Away - Offspring
"Maybe in another life
I could find you there
Pulled away before your time
I can't deal it's so unfair
And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven's so far away
And it feels
Yeah it feels like
The world has grown cold
Now that you've gone away"
