What have I been doing?
Jack.
Cracking my skull against the walls in the hopes that something would come seeping out.
Becoming overwhelmed.
Being defeated.
Life and the complexities that lie within it.
Personal ambition overshadowed by reality.
I get the feeling that I am not the person who was meant to write/draw this damn thing.
I get the feeling that some curse was placed on me to hold my dreams just out of reach.
I feel like something is missing. One little thing that would pull this all together.
I don't like feeling this way. I sit with my hands lying limply in my lap. I imagine the ruby beads pooling beneath me as I slowly drift off to sleep.
I jolt awake. It was only imagined as I lack conviction. I lack the strength.
I hate feeling that way. I bury those thoughts fearing that connecting with them any further would make dreams come true.
Damn you Venge.
Damn you Kara.
Damn me.
I could draw picture after picture of the cast of characters for this story. I can imagine great and interesting stories to involve them in. I can even see where it will all lead.
I cannot tell a story. Even reciting stories from my own past fail in the realms of entertainment. I state facts. I am distant from the emotions experienced at the time. I do not feel. I thought I knew what made others sad, afraid, excited. I am told that I am wrong.
I think they were lying. Maybe if not to me, then to themselves. I hate liers. I curse the first lier to an eternity of never knowing what is real.
And, yet, here I am. Obsessing over the ability to tell a fictional tale of loss and redemption... And I doubt if I ever had anything actually taken from me... I doubt if I can even be redeemed.
I curse the person who made me doubt.
They probably explained it as being realistic.
Never pollute another with your shortcomings.
Imagine the feats our children could achieve if they had no limits.
Maybe then they will never know what it means to chase a dream, for they will know the elation of what it means to catch a dream.
Jack.
Cracking my skull against the walls in the hopes that something would come seeping out.
Becoming overwhelmed.
Being defeated.
Life and the complexities that lie within it.
Personal ambition overshadowed by reality.
I get the feeling that I am not the person who was meant to write/draw this damn thing.
I get the feeling that some curse was placed on me to hold my dreams just out of reach.
I feel like something is missing. One little thing that would pull this all together.
I don't like feeling this way. I sit with my hands lying limply in my lap. I imagine the ruby beads pooling beneath me as I slowly drift off to sleep.
I jolt awake. It was only imagined as I lack conviction. I lack the strength.
I hate feeling that way. I bury those thoughts fearing that connecting with them any further would make dreams come true.
Damn you Venge.
Damn you Kara.
Damn me.
I could draw picture after picture of the cast of characters for this story. I can imagine great and interesting stories to involve them in. I can even see where it will all lead.
I cannot tell a story. Even reciting stories from my own past fail in the realms of entertainment. I state facts. I am distant from the emotions experienced at the time. I do not feel. I thought I knew what made others sad, afraid, excited. I am told that I am wrong.
I think they were lying. Maybe if not to me, then to themselves. I hate liers. I curse the first lier to an eternity of never knowing what is real.
And, yet, here I am. Obsessing over the ability to tell a fictional tale of loss and redemption... And I doubt if I ever had anything actually taken from me... I doubt if I can even be redeemed.
I curse the person who made me doubt.
They probably explained it as being realistic.
Never pollute another with your shortcomings.
Imagine the feats our children could achieve if they had no limits.
Maybe then they will never know what it means to chase a dream, for they will know the elation of what it means to catch a dream.
I have many projects that required writing hundreds of pages, hours of research, and worked extensively on... only to put them on the shelf because I had no clue what to do with the product. It happens. You've got six months into this thing, you aren't where you want to be? Put it aside for awhile and engage a side project?
ReplyDeleteSeriously man, give it a rest and draw something else to take your conscious mind off the project. Maybe in the meantime, your subconscious will figure some shit out. Or maybe you'll have a better idea, start writing something epic, make a few sketches and BAM, you'll be on your way to something cool!
Gogo!
My best solution is to find an idea that I wouldn't do because I thought it was terrible, and then work on that. Engaging in the creative process without any sense of expectations of quality is quite soothing to me.
ReplyDeleteAlso I eat a lot of dessert items. And read. (My recommendations: Good stuff: George R.R. Martin; Warren Ellis; Terry Moore; Terry Pratchett. Eye of the beholder stuff: Jacqueline Carey - totally girly, though; the Wendy Pini Elfquest saga. Bad stuff: Twilight - if nothing else, you will feel like a genius; )