Art Imitates Life

It is cliche. Venge has become me. Or I have become Venge. I'm not exactly clear which happened first. Venge is the amalgam of many different ideas and plots. He is the culmination of everything I would like to see/read in a story. I suppose it was inevitable that he would become the tragic hero I had so much envisioned myself as. How big of me to envision myself as anything closely resembling a hero. Perhaps Venge can be the hero I cannot. And, in turn, I can vicariously experience the awe and acclaim of heroism with him. So many authors experience a kind of 'one hit wonder' with books. Most likely due to this trait of writing about ourselves. Additionally Venge can be strong when I cannot. He can sacrifice when it would pain me. He can face the opposition when I would avoid it.

But Venge is empty. Nearly soulless. So much of his being is wrapped up in the exploits of another. Every ounce of his being is tied to a dream. A quest to complete until his final days. If he fails, everything before will be as for nothing. If he stops then he will not be able to return. I bet Venge hates me for not giving him more options. More leeway. A chance to rest. I know I hate me, no reason why he would not.

Venge has sacrificed himself to be able to love again. He could probably give up the ghost and have a normal life where he would be loved. He could be loved and love another right now, but he would never again get to experience the true love of before. He could love now and sacrifice later. But no, he would rather be tormented with voices, question his own sanity, and kill relentlessly all for a chance. What a terrible monster I have created. Sacrifice today... love tomorrow.

I will sacrifice loving right now for a chance to love more truthfully in the future.That's what I do. I sacrifice. All I have to give is myself. I like it that way. Take what you will of me, Venge. I cannot be strong for myself because I am strong for everyone else. You must all take from me my strength. That is what it is there for.

How can a man who does not love himself, love another? Where does a man get the strength? It's better if you do not know. But I can tell you that both are very possible, just watch.

I am sorry, Venge, that I had to be your creator. That you had to be created in my image is something I would never had wished on anyone. I still do not wish it on anyone.

Chalk this up to another Knightmare. Something else that I fear to do for my dream.

Throw Update

I forgot that I was just going to darken in the lines for the picture. I forgot that I was going to play around with the colorization on the computer.

I got carried away.

While darkening in for a better scan I found myself adding the dark and light tones on the original piece. Just got lost in making modifications, accepting the changes, and then progressing further. You may notice that the hair-do got brought in and 'toned down'. You may also notice that the mask was compacted more and brought more in scale with the rest.

You may even notice that I started coloring in the costume. I was absolutely correct when I presumed that the straps would blend in. In fact I colored them in later as so the were white the whole time I was shading the rest in. They also stood way out remaining white. I am so ashamed of how it turned out. Freaking confusing and way too 'busy' to recreate continuously and in smaller detail.

My girlfriend realised my frustration. And while she claims to not have an artistic eye, she offered me the greatest advice: Maybe if you redo it with just a full size outline, make copies of it, then experiment with copies... This is one of the many reasons I love her. Blatantly stating what I had intended to do, but had forgotten. Got myself a keeper here =]

Looking on this work of mine, I may just have to shelve it. I do enjoy the new costume elements I have added and changed, but I really should have done more experimenting before creating a 'finished' design board.

A couple of good things have come from this (as I am open to see both the good and the bad in a situation). I have a better understanding of what it is that I am trying for. I can see what elements are more distracting than they are useful. And, just as Charon had to bring it to the attention of the Primal Entities, I understand the value of having the 'common' eye looking upon my creations.

Take from this what you will.

Disgusting expulsion of what I am working on.

Sometimes, vomiting makes us feel better.

Expense Accountability

The next step has been taken. I spent a little bit of this latest paycheck to purchase an 18"x18" drawing board complete with handsome carrying case (for smuggling into work) as well as a tablet of 18"x12" drawing paper.

Some miscalculations lead to not enough area to draw on, but this is still progress. There is a clipboard clip on the drawing board which cuts down on the work space by just enough to make the paper hang off the end. *shrugs* I guess I just won't use that side of it =] It also looks like I misplaced my long straightedge and I will have to get another that measures at least 18".

Almost bought a $200.00 "L" shaped desk complete with hutch (that part that has the shelves and cabinets behind/above the desk). Would have saved $128.00 +/-. Thought better of it. Would have loved to have the additional workspace at home for drawing. But it's just not in my budget.

Priced some Wacom Cintiq Tablet Monitors... even refurbished they run over $1k... just another dream I guess. Maybe someday I will work for a company that uses them.

A sudden realisation that all my clothing possessed holes prompted some emergency clothes shopping. Holes filled, so to speak.

Venge design board nearing completion. A slight hiatus onset by unexpected sickness (not supplied by my girlfriend, by the way) caused delays in its completion. Here is a quick scan plus mods of my current progress. I am having some personal questions about coloration for this latest design.

Since my Graphic Novel with consist of only 1 color, I have to take extra care in where I use that color. The story will be told in shades of black/white/grey and red. Had this idea since before Sin City so no duping there. Venge's 'costume' will consist of only black and white. The current idea is for white hair, mask, gloves, boots, and elbow and knee pads. The chest, upper arms/legs will be black along with certain detail areas (fingers, toe of boots, and the 'dots' located on the mask, gloves, boots, and pads). I am not yet sure if I want the straps to be black to blend in or white to stand out. I am sure that either direction I turn will be extreme. They will totally blend in or totally stand out.

Now that I have made this scan I can slop some 'ink' on it with Photoshop and see which I like better. I do apologise about the lack of scanned detail. This is only and rough draft and it will get darker and have more defined lines before completion. Been pounding my mind's eye for colorization realisation.

Either way will make or break this design. If you are thinking of feedback, I would like you to consider these design elements that I have been working with and want to incorporate into the design.

1) Reaper - hooded robe, scythe, skull/skeleton

2) Fencer - fencing jacket, gloves, tight pants and shoes

3) Insane - straitjacket, buckles, straps

4) Balance - can't be all black/white, cannot have red, equal portions

While I was sick and did not have the motivation to draw (I really attempted, but just succeeded in staring at the page) I did do some reading about designing graphic novels/comics. In addition to the other book I mentioned in a previous blog entry, I also ordered a 3 volume set of the quintessential bible for the medium. Will Eisner's: Comics and Sequential Art, Graphic Storytelling and Visual Narrative, & Expressive Anatomy for Comics and Narrative. The man was a genius. So much so that they named an award after him. Every artist in the industry will list these as required reading. And, in as much as I have discovered, rightfully so.

I hope my next post will be a great unveiling of the finished product. We'll see what grabs my mind before then.

Temporal Actuation

You know that part in suspense/horror movies where a character is zoomed in on, but their background is pulled away from? That is how this project feels.

The more I reach out for it, the further away it moves. One step forward, two steps back kind of thing. I just want to just into it and ignore the distractions. I want to just start the actual pages already and take the other things as they come.

As soon as I get this final 'costume' design done, that is just what I'll do. If anything else jumps in my way I'll just have to break them down. Don't have a secondary character design yet? Sketch it out real quick and move on. I think that's just what I'll do.

And as with any of my decisions, I have foreseen a problem. I drawn at work in between calls, but I'm not technically allowed. Pen and paper are sort of a 'no-no' when dealing with peoples credit card information. I have been given the green light to draw between midnight and 4 am. So this is how I have been doing my most recent pix. But if I want to move to a 'professional' comic book drawing layout I will need to figure something out. Smuggling in a sketchpad is easy. But toting a large drawing board that holds a standard comic book format 11" x 17" piece of paper/poster board would prove difficult.

It is possible that I could smuggle it in on my lunch at 11;30pm but that would mean sneaking it out early at 2am. Hm. An interesting idea... then I could work on the more mundane sketches after then. I either case I will have to cancel the online distractions I have (MMO's & OCCG's) just so that I can actually get some work done at home.

I think I'm going to buy the tools I need this next paycheck and give it a try.

It was also suggested that I create it on the computer. I pretty nice idea, but my tablet skills are not that good. The computer is set to take the place of my inker, letterer, and colorist. Which leaves me with the pencils, scripts, and editorial duties. Maybe if I had a Wacom tablet monitor I would sing a different tune. But seeing as how they run more than I make in a paycheck, it will just have to wait.

Unless someone would like to sponsor this endeavor =]

The Banality of Design

Update: It's awesome to get the finger from someone you ask to take a look at your work. It definitely let me know exactly what they felt. I post updates on Facebook as you may already be aware. Some people check it out, some people don't. Some who check it out, give feedback. Others do not. But to get the finger is something new. Not only did they not care to look this over, but made the extra effort to let me know. I guess I missed the mark on that person.

Oh well. It just goes to show that I never meant that much to them.

Anyways. Design is the least artistic art form. Of all the arts, it is the most directly affected by it's consumer/buyer. I mean, sure, a designer can add design elements to better appeal to the public eye. But, if their contractor wants more glitter, you have to oblige if you expect your design to be purchased. You can't exactly sell a logo design to a company that does not bear the logo.

But, that is the sacrifice that is made for contract work. Mutually assured buyer for a mutually assured job performed.

I bring this up because of my most recent design board for Venge. It is so BORING! I want to finish it up quickly to move on to the next thing. I want to have something else to draw, to trade off. But everything that will come after, is reliant upon this new design. That, and I'm afraid that if I veer away from it, it will not get completed. I think I'm at the half way point...

Then it will be time to invest in materials and a place to do it in.

Man as God Pt. The Final

Magus Delahardy's story is the last one to showcase the supernatural creatures that will be present within the Venge storyline. Perhaps later, I will detail each of them in so much as an outline can afford.

Detailed below is, possibly, the hardest to write about. Not for the emotions involved, but for quite the opposite. Details about Magus in this story have to be broken down in an intellectual manor.

Of all the supernatural creatures in the Venge world, Magus are most believable. And, with them, is the only part of this story that follows my personal beliefs. ANYTHING is possible.

* * *

"Well," begins Gregor, "you have learned a bit about the history of our world, our reality, and my current subject for observation. It is about time for you to learn of your own subject."
"The man you have been assigned to has been of great interest to just about every supernatural entity that this world possesses. The Observate's are no different."

"We had a Seeker watching him, but he has not reported in recently and all traces of him have vanished. There is no trace of him save for our own, personal accounts. There is no trail for him at all, and even the Seeker's own parents don't remember him. It is as if he has been removed from reality and all existence."

"The name of that Seeker's target, and your new subject is, Edward Delahardy. And he is the only true Magus we have been able to locate."

"Some background about your subject: Magus Delahardy is a user of magics. And magic is not quite what you may take it to be. In fact, with magic, nothing is as it may seem. In it's rawest form, magic is reality control and shaping."

"God created man in his own image. Exactly. Every man has the ability to become 'god'. PCP induced invulnerability, mind over matter, and world records are just some examples of man's ability to break reality's rules. Every man has the ability to create their own reality."

"Each religion and each 'god' held power equal to the amount of people who worshipped it and them. Not just in the amount of clout that the organisation held. The more someone believes in something, or the more people who believe in it, the truer and more real it becomes. It is an unproven theory that science is in fact nothing more than a belief system. A very difficult to debunk belief system. Man knew the world was flat with earth at it's center."

"It takes the very determined and strong willed to be able to thrust their reality upon the common one. And this is the power of the Magus. This is also the reason angels fell to Lilith's ways during the sundering. God bestowed upon man everything he was/is. God created man like himself but created Angels to be servants."

"It is man's ability to create their own reality but their desire to conform to each other that causes reality to be so static now. It would incredibly difficult for a man to fly, nowadays, unless he possessed a strong enough will, or enough strong willed people who truly believed it. This again is the power of the Magus. Doubt is the Magus's worst enemy. Both in themselves, and in the general populace. But, a true Magus has no doubts about the true nature of our malleable reality."

"Magus use several tools to be able to perform their craft. Being able to explain it away or hide the actual reality shifting are just a couple of their tricks. But, the true power in the Magus are their understanding that nothing is real and everything is possible."

"Even as I tell you this, I find it more difficult to grasp than even the true tale of God. But ours is not to question, but to witness and recite. Edwards previous Observate Seeker was a very experienced one. The fact that you are new but quite skilled gives us hope that you will better be able to perform the task."

"His last known whereabouts find him dockside near port 67. Go and find him. You will need every tool we have provided you as well as every ounce of your training with us to perform your job. And, that is precisely why we chose someone of your abilities."

"You may contact me anytime you feel the need... and do be careful."

Man as God Pt. 2

Ok, so I found someone that I feel very strongly towards, and who feels as strongly towards me. Does this mean Venge is going to be a happy, tree hugging, hippy story now? Quite the contrary. At the center of the story is Venge's desire to reconnect will the truest love in all of human existence (even if it was spurned on by the Primordial Entities). Being able to explore those emotions with someone has proved nothing but beneficial.

I can relate more closely to Venge. I can imagine the pain and suffering that comes with being denied those emotions. I can understand the euphoria that washes over him in the fleeting moments when she comes to him to claim a soul. And then to imagine all those feelings getting stripped away in an instant?

So, is this 'certain someone' some sick, artistic, emotional experimentation to achieve a means? Anyone who knows me, even a little, would let you know that I am not capable of any form of this sociopathic behavior. But, it is the artist who applies the emotions and passions to their canvas like paint.

At first, I had fears of being with someone again. I was afraid that, amongst other things, Venge would get left behind. I owe it to everyone who ever had faith in me and this story. I owe it to my family. I owe it to my friends. I owe it to myself. I can't let that happen... and she won't let me.

On a side note, the previous post (Man as God) is a mess. But, I shall leave it in it's current state to further reflect the raw nature of these blog entries. I have already made note of changes needed with the other blog posts, but those shall be left also. At the very least, I have been able to determine a better way to write them in addition to certain plot devices that will be modified in the final draft.

Darn it. I really want to get to Magus Delahardy's story (which I intended to write in the other post and then again in this one), but it looks like that will have to wait for yet another post.

Man as God

Finding out that you are very different can be tough. Being reminded of it can be even tougher. And learning to deal with it is impossible. You cannot deal with it. You will either change to conform to someone else (or the generalised populace), or you accept yourself and tackle everything else that comes with it.

I have fluctuated between those two points at frequent intervals in my life. Picked on in school. Bullying in school. Molding into someone else to be accepted by them in relationships. Until I can finally, and faithfully, be everything I have made of myself. Everything that I am is everything that I took from everything in my past. I can honestly say, I am happy with what I have become and I do not care if it is anything that anyone else wants from me.

I'm not cocky. I have just finally accepted what I am. No need to try to be anything else. Luckily I found someone who agrees with me. With her, I don't feel that I have to be something else. I don't fear letting her know everything about me. I am not ashamed of being me. For once in my freaking life... I can be me.

* * *

"Well," Begins Gregor, "You have learned a bit about the history of our world, our reality, and my current target. It is about time for you to learn of yours."

"The man you are being assigned to his been of great interest to the Observates as well as just about every supernatural entity that this world possesses. And we did have a Seeker watching him. We even have record of the person we sent, but all traces of them have vanished. There is no paper trail for him at all, and the Seeker's parents don't remember him."

"The name of the man you have been assigned to is, Edward Delahardy. And he is the only true Magus we have been able to locate."
"This is his last known whereabouts," He says, handing you a slip of paper.

"Contact me anytime you feel the need... and do be careful."

* * *

(TBC)