Hollow Eve

There is a point in your life where you will think to yourself, "Self, Things have gotten out of control. Let's take some time to get it all under control."

One year later, you look back and wonder if you actually accomplished anything.

Is anything different? Is anything really under control?

What have you done with yourself?

This time last year, I expected to be hard at work fighting through the publishing obstacles.This year, I find myself no closer than I was the previous.

Since my last post, I have broken up with my girlfriend due to an aspect of her life that I new about in advance but attempted to deal with and accept/tolerate.I found that I could not. And, frankly, should not have needed to. The creative stimulation was very favorable. The moral torture was not. I put myself 'out there' to be judged and put up for evaluation. I found that I passed the test but the cost to my own moral fiber left me spiritually devastated.

I moved away from the place I had become very comfortable with. I benefited by having more personal freedom and having to take more personal responsibility for my own well  being. I gained the ability to be able to connect more with my children who are closest to me. And,as any parent will tell you, found less time for myself. The plights of a single father removed from his offspring is a whole other rant and I will save you from it (for now).

My 'real job' has been stagnant. The day-to-day grind of helping other people fix their phones gets to me. I find it difficult to empathize with elitists who have entitlement issues. Case in point: A woman is not able to call one number on her contact list and it is returning an error message that all circuits are busy. She feels that our company should reimburse her for the 'good money' she pays the company for service. She is calling in on her cell phone and does not have another number to be reached at. She refuses to perform the most rudimentary troubleshooting and demands that we fix it. 30 minutes into the call is when we realize that the number she is trying to reach is clear across the country in New York. Hurricane stricken - disaster relief efforts in effect - emergency services working around the clock- New York. Eat your humble pie and reevaluate your life.

The company has taken to ranking our success purely based upon the customer's opinion. This has increased the stress levels all around especially for someone who places a lot of value in other people's perceptions. Who cares if I spent an hour reprogramming your service and blatantly going against company policies - do you FEEL that I did good? Do you want to friend me on Facebook now?

This has caused an onset of severe rectal glaucoma. Periods where I wake up and can't see my ass coming into work. There are some days, we can all admit to it, where you don't want to deal with other people's issues. Friends? Sure you will. But faceless American greed? Nah, not today.

And this missing of scheduled work time has lowered me in the rankings despite the fact that upper management wants to promote me. I am tired of the job itself but cannot promote until I buckle down and just do it.

Immediate stress clouds future successes.

This, all combined, has lead to a heavier reliance on immediate gratification. Overspending on hobbies and hours lost with online gaming. I am sorry, Kara... Venge... Friends...

Maybe this will make it up a bit:

I have been playing around with the idea of having the Reaper Blades manifest from the palms of his hands. It has been problematic, but I am happy with the concept.

And I need losts of work with perspective angles. Here is a sketchy bit with some of the concepts integrated.

Maybe I will find myself engaged in this more strictly in the future.

Maybe the zombies will get us first...