Taller Ladders/Shorter Heights

Have you ever had so much in your arms and go charging up a ladder, only to misjudge the amount of steps it has? I hope you never do. The result is utter disaster and pain. Momentum carries you higher, while gravity pulls you down. Your foot attempts to rest on the next step, that is not there. You come crashing down to the ground in extreme pain, and whatever you were carrying is thrown aside for personal security.

I have had that happen to me literally. And today, it happened to me figuratively.

Six months. I was half a year away from being the first person in my family to have achieved a higher education. Six lousy months from being able to fully realise a personal goal of being a professional artist.

Nearly every person who attends a college or university is on borrowed funds. I was and still am, one of those people. But, I could never pay them back. I was waiting for my career to begin to pay for itself. So those funds have defaulted. I must pay them in order to borrow anymore. I don't blame them. It is only sound business... from an establishment that GIVES money away to failing businesses.

I do not know if I will ever be able to pay them off, let alone be able to pay for a higher education. I should have known this would happen. It is almost Karmic. Actually, it is exactly Karmic. The more I achieve, the more I lose. I better I feel about my life, the worse it gets. If I brag, I fail.

Sure, all is not lost. This only a setback. There are options.

But, not right now.

And not soon.

Right now, I hurt and I cast aside the things I was carrying for my own security.

Lost in the Details

Being OCD about things being organised and always having new ideas have combined with being a perfectionist in my own work to cause me great delays.

Organisation: A process in which I create a schedule and a process to complete any task. Step by step I create and execute a plan and move to the next. Plan and execute. Plan and execute. Interruptions in the process can be attained by inserting another step that must first be evaluated for its effectiveness and then implemented. This can create a situation in which previous execution must also be evaluated and reimplemented.

Creative: The ability of my overactive mind to storm off into a wide array of tangents. Each one, in and of itself, having to possibility to storm off into their own tangents. Most often the greatest creative processes stem from sensory stimulation. A taste, smell, touch, sound, sight, or feeling. Most often the later. Somethings triggers an onslaught of tangenting ideas with the most powerful or 'coolest' creating the largest impact.

Perfection: An acceptance that nothing that I can or will ever do/create will meet its full potential. An understanding that everything can always be so much better. This further leads to improving upon everything I do. A better story, a better character, a better way. Nothing will ever be complete. And nothing will ever be as good as it can be. But damned if I don't get as close as I possibly can.

A majority of inspiration is actually just an improved upon idea. I wanted to draw Venge as Darren Duvoss in a straitjacket before he became a 'hero'. A desire to create an accurate straitjacket needed researching. Researching it became a realisation of similarities with other elements. These similarities became and idea. This idea became a reevaluation.

This reevaluation has become a confliction of desired elements and logical inclusion. A man with blades on his arms must be able to use his arms. To have the blades cut through the jacket creates an unnecessary distraction of design elements. Why have frayed jacket sleeves present if they are just going to be frayed tatters? How to combine jacket that fastens in the back with one that fastens over a breast? How to make it efficiently look like both a straitjacket AND a fencing jacket? Oh and lest we forget to incorporation of the reaper element?

Six of one... half-dozen of the other.

Step by step examples of this process was an interesting idea, but failed in its execution. 1) Sketches too light to scan, graphically enhance, and repost for clarity. 2) Whole images erased in their entirety, abandoned, and have no bearing on the outcome. 3) Doubt

Commitment

It is completed. The last image I wanted to convey before charging forward into creating the actual book. So here it is:

Original drawing was created with a 7H drawing pencil but would not scan. Went over it again with a mechanical pencil. Could have inked it just as easily except that I am not as confident with the permanence of ink. So then, I scanned it in and modified the image with darkness and gamma. I then used some minor tweaks to remove the color and maximise the dark values.

While researching what a straitjacket would look like, I came across images of fencing tunics. I noticed that they looked very similar which prompted me to reconsider Venge's 'costume'. Since he is a swordsman and is constantly teetering on the edge of sanity, I figured this would be great concepts to incorporate into his outfit.

I am going to explore various ways in which I could add these qualities into a new outfit for him. I want to do this now, before I start cranking out pages, rather than 13 issues later when his 'persona' has already become established.

It is only a slight sidetrack, but one that may take a few weeks to recover from. I plan to draw up some sketches until I can find something that fits. After that, I will probably create a new detail board of his 'costume' details. These design board are a reference source from which I can look back to to make sure that I am not leaving out any details (such as the ribbons that keep his mask on, accidentally excluded from some recent drawings).

I think it would also be interesting to post step-by-step pictures of this process...

Interpreter

-I have been able to discover the benefits of having another artistic eye look at my work. I realised this last night/early this morning. They could look at my work before it is finish and give me feedback, even if I do not ask for it. In fact I usually don't ask for feedback, not unless I doubt what I am creating (as with my writing in these blogs). But, the fact that they can look at my creation, see what I am trying to convey, and let me know how to best achieve that, has been a great help.

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-It has only recently become possible for me to benefit from this type of help. The primary reason is that I am more confident in my abilities and my determination. I am able to accept criticism and apply that to what I am doing without taking it personally. Additionally, I am finding it easier to change what I am doing and work towards a different picture.

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-If I experienced an extended break between drawings, I would come back to look at my old creations and just be marveled. I would think to myself, 'Holy crud! I did this?'. I was so amazed at what I could create that I would fear making changes to them. I was so afraid of losing the drive and ambition. I was afraid of erasing something and not being able to recreate it. Now I look back at them and can see what I would change to improve them. I don't make the changes so that they may serve as a reminder of my achievements and things that I should be mindful of in my future creations.

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-Because of my increased confidence, I can accept commentary from my peers. My friend can use their artistic eye, understand what I am trying to create, and let me know where I fall short. It is a personal blow to be told that you are not able to do something that you feel strongly about. But, it is an even greater defeat when you find out that you failed to do so all together. When she tells me I need to change something, I look at it and usually agree. Or, at the very least, I can see if what I am trying to create is not accurately represented in my drawing. If she can't see it, or if she can see it better a different way, then I recreate it.

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-I am honored to have an artistic and critical eye looking down on my works, in progress, and let me know the truth. One of these 'learning to draw' books stated that if you wanted to get an honest opinion about your work, do not ask your mom or girlfriend as they will love everything you do... even if it sucks.

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-As for the piece that I had completed and ready for graphic overhauls? It turns out that the 7H drawing pencil was way too light for the scanner to pick up. Darkness/gamma corrections did nothing to improve it. I stuck it back on the drawing board to darken it in. And important step for me, as it has provided me an opportunity to look at me drawing in a different light. I can see what I was trying to create and determine how I wish to recreate it. I have a chance to create it again without erasing the whole image.

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-And, during this darkening, it was made aware of a fault in the drawing. I got confirmation that what I was wanting to create was understood but portrayed poorly. OK, that's a bit harsh. She let me know that she knew what I was trying to create and helped me to figure out a way to create it better.

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-I was good to have that certain someone who could understand what I wanted in my art, and help me achieve it. I will miss that.

Reject

I should never had pursued her. I told myself that I could not. Yet the creeping loneliness reached up from the recesses and touched hope. I know now to bury it deeper.

"I just want to be friends" means exactly that. That there is no attraction. And then loneliness touches it and asks, "But maybe someday." And then the brain hears that and asks, "Why not now? What is going to change?" And then the heart runs with it.

Then you are left trying to be something else. Something that can be a friend while trying to form a stronger connection. You should not have to try. I should not have to try.

But here I am. Talking to myself because there is no one else to hear me. Why does that matter? I can already play their words in my head. "Don't worry, mate, you'll find someone.", "What are you complaining about? You already found your true love", "She wasn't good for you anyway." Why do I have to hear it from someone else? It's not like I would give those words any more weight. I have no way of knowing if they are just saying such things to make me feel better, or if they really mean them. A friend should never lie to you, but a friend also tries to make you feel better. But I guess a friend would make you feel better by telling you the truth.

*sigh*

Women

Conflicted

I am surprised that I can even come to a decision sometimes. So often I try see something from all possible angles. I am passionate about a very select amount of things. I would give my all to them. Everything else is pondered to death.

Such as when determining the things I should say or how I should feel. Nearly sociopathic, I sometimes bury my emotions until I can assess what spawned the emotion and what a reasonable response to it might be. I bottle most of it up. And by the time I can come up with a response, the moment is gone and I still hold onto the emotion with no outlet for it.

And then there are conversations. A moment where I do not have the time or luxury of waiting. I am instantly required to be everything that I have established of myself. I am expected to be witty and possibly even charming. Instantly. So, as fast as my brain can, I find myself working through possible responses and their possible reactions. And with each possible response comes the image of self. What am I trying to say? What will they think I am trying to say?

Bragging Rights

Writing your own "About the Author" is really about how well you can play the horn. You are, indeed, 'tooting your own horn' but, as you are expected to write it subjectively, you have to find the right notes; the right things to say.
And I absolutely hate bragging. Strange it is that I felt compelled to add it to the blog then.
I tried to not brag as much as I tried to state the facts... Oddly enough, that is the same reason I cannot retell a story.

Unsaid At Last

So much to say and so little time to say it in. So much that I cannot say; should not say, but must.

Oxymoronic.

So much emotional pain and disappointment.

At the men in my life, who I always looked up to. I am always trying to find role models in those around me. If I could not look up to you, then I looked down on you. Shame on me. Never would I assume that I could be someones role model. How many men looked at me a thought that I was pretty cool and someone they would like to be with; hang out and be friends with? If I met myself I would both like to hang out with me but I would also look down on me. What would cause this conflicted feeling of friendship? Where does that leave me for future friendships?Where does that leave me with my current friendships?

At the women in my life, who I always wanted to be there for me. I am always trying to be some sort of hero to them but secretly looking to find someone to support me. Not hand and foot, but as a support system. All of them have failed me. Shame on me. From the first woman who never met my expectations, to the one who left me before I could experience everything I wanted with her. To the ones who tired of my frailties, stopped loving me, and lead me down a path of self destruction and deniable self worth. What would cause my total self worth to be measured by another? Where does this leave me for future relationships? Where does that leave my with any current ones?

At myself and my life, who I always expected to be greater. I am always trying to create a lasting work to remember. A true piece of art that I can unleash my emotions on. I am failing myself. Shame on me. From the first thing I traced to win an award, I have told that I had talent and should not put it to waste. Waste. Never was my 'talent' measured in the areas of virtuosity, just above par. At seeing my art, I am always plagued by the 'can you draw something for me?' or, most recently, 'do you do tattoo art', 'can you fix this'. What causes this art as design philosophy? Where does that leave my future creations? Where does that leave me as being an artist?

Death. The answer to all those questions is death. Unless I can do something about it. Is it too late for an old dog to learn new tricks? Is it too late to rewire my mind? Am I a Popeye who states that 'I am what I am, and that's all I am...' or can I be someone who is greater?

It is extremely difficult to visualise a self image that would be contrary to a majority of what composes my 'self'. I look up to and respect men or I look down on them. I worship women no matter how much they prove themselves false gods. And I measure myself with the image others have of me, while trying to ruin that image and falsify it.

To the men in my life: I will strive to see you as equals, and deserving of a fair shake.

To the women in my life: I will strive to see you as equals, and take you down from the pedestal.

To myself: I will strive to see you as worthy...

... and fail.

Sketchy... at best

Just a little, non-weepy, update on what I have been up to.

I blog here to get a break from drawing. I also use this to hone my writing abilities, as I will need those skills when writing my own story. So, while I used to blog at least once a day, I do not do so much anymore. I have been able to balance life, work, and my life's work to create a schedule that best suites my needs and timetable. Pauses between postings here mean that I am, most likely, occupied with one of those things above.

The advantage of this blog, is that I can use it to fill two of the schedules: life and life's work. You write what you know. You know your experiences. You experience everything in your environment. This becomes your life. So then, in order to write effectively for this story (my life's work), I must write about my experiences (my life). But, I will refrain from using this as a day-to-day dairy. I have taken care to only include those things that have prompted a certain emotion or personal background for the story.

Recently, I have been creating splash images (drawings of one or more characters posing and filling the image) of Venge and crew. These are the closest I come to sketches. I use them to create and understand the depth of the character from many angles. Also, to get a feel of how well they may translate to a page with panels. I already notice that some of their 'costumes' may be too 'busy' and have too much detail to accurately recreate in a smaller panel.

Case in point: SangGwen's Bloodletter Blade is damn wicked. This has been one of my favorite creations, but the unusual structure of it is difficult to recreate in a drawing without confusing the reader. Above she is shown wielding it; and to the right is my original design in a modified image to bring out it's detail. So, then, I have been creating more images of it, in use, to see if it can still be a reasonable prop.

But, mostly, I have been creating images of Venge, using the time in between calls at work. I have one more idea I want to convey in an image before I move on to producing my first pages for this.

Acceptable Casualties

I set up a meeting with someone who I plan to collaborate with on this project. The meeting place was Barnes & Noble. I figured it was a nice enough place to grab some coffee, sit and bounce ideas off each other, and it would have a wealth of resource material if we felt so inclined. Additionally, I thought it would be pretty neat to draw there while grabbing inspiration from everything around.

I soon as I showed up I immediately felt embarrassed to bring my big, black, leather bag full of drawing materials, inside. I left it in the car, just in case I felt a desire to pull from it later. So I wandered around B&N for about an hour before I attempted to contact the other person. I got the voicemail and left a message. I wandered from the sci-fi section (looking for a current copy of Armor) to the Graphic Novel section (looking for a collect of stories about my favorite character) when something interesting caught my eye. While digging in and through stacks of books looking for what I wanted, I saw a guide to creating graphic novels.

I was intrigued. Maybe there was something I was missing. Maybe there were some things that I not foresee and, as a result, not have planned for. I pulled the book down and had a seat to skim the contents. I was not sure if this was something I was willing to pay $15 for, so I gave it a once over. Contained within was nothing I had not heard before, but it did outline them in a organised manner. I decided that it was worth the lose of funds. About an hour of that passed when I began to get weary of skimming a topic that I wanted to read fully.

I took a break and called her again (she did insist that I try repeatedly in case she was sleeping). Still no answer... straight to voicemail. I even dropped a text message as she was more prompt in their responses. No reply. I thought to myself that it was no big deal. I was already here and should not put this time to waste.

I resumed my search for those books I was looking for earlier as I was convinced to buy the graphic novel guide but would have to read it later. During my dig I found 4 other books all dealing with the concept of creating my own graphic novel. I sighed, pulled down the other guides and found another spot to peruse them. My analysis was not as thorough as with the 1st but I could already see some differences. I eventually settled on Making Comics by Scott McCloud. Of all the books, this one hit on all the points that each of the others missed, or that they didn't hit as hard as I would have liked.

Then I turned to books over and almost seconded guessed myself. The books were accurately priced by value. The cheaper the book, the less it caught my interest. But, was I willing to spend $25 on this one? I reasoned that the fact that I was even looking at them was a good indication that it was something I needed and certainly wanted. I made the purchase and was pleased. I gave up on waiting for my collaborator after one last attempt at calling and decided to return home.

While at home I continued to skim the book because I felt much too tired to actually read it. I kind of skipped over the storytelling aspect and went to the drawing part. That is where I saw those most dreaded words: draw everyday, keep it simple, and throw nothing out. Grr. I draw with purpose and an idea in mind. I rarely just sketch. Well, I guess my version of sketches would be the ideas that got screwed up and are put away.

I am, quite nearly, a perfectionist when it comes to my own work. So to create something simply for the purpose of putting lead to paper seems like a waste. It would be like watching a movie for the sole purpose of criticizing it. Like having sex simply for the friction but no climax. That's right; artistic masturbation, I said it.

Now, some of my artwork simply gets thrown away. But anything that has dealt with or will deal with Venge and this story have been kept. And through that process I can see the value in it. But, like I stated before, they were meant to be completed works that just didn't meet my standards. They were not sketches for the sake of sketching. I do not feel that I should sketch when I should be, full on, drawing. It just feels like a waste of time.

I use 'waste', 'feel', 'value', and 'time' a whole lot in these blogs. How can something of value be a waste? It cannot. But these works are restricted by time and based on feelings.

I have a limited amount of time,
To create the things I feel.
I can only afford to focus on the things of value.
Everything else is a waste.

But my logic is flawed. A writer writes what they know. You know everything that has had an affect on you. And because they are needed to create your work, they now have value. So, if a writer writes about everything they value, and everything else is a waste, then nothing is a waste.

Time will be my ultimate judge.

Dreams Hell Oblivion

I hate sleeping. Ok, I don't hate sleeping, I just hate being unconscious during it. I crawl into bed (if I'm lucky) and pray for a nightmare. That's right, the most peaceful and relaxing time in our lives and I pray for nightmares. Add that to the list of things that I do beyond the norm.

"Why?", you may be asking? Oblivion. Sleep is the 3-9 hours that I do not exist. I hate that (and I don't hate much of anything). If I were to die (and there is an afterlife) I would be overjoyed. Even if the place I went to was hell. For even in that hell I would know that I still exist. I still am. But, I believe a much worse fate lies in store for me.

Without getting to much into my beliefs, I will explain. True hell for me would be nothing. Oblivion. Limbo. Not the dark places of myth. Actual, absolute nothingness. A ceasing of existence. Terrifying. I would be happy tortured in hell rather than just shutting off the lights on myself.

And sleeping is a small piece of my personal hell. Absolute oblivion that I try to avoid. I postpone it until the desire to sleep overrides the fear of doing so. And so I pray for nightmares. Those subconscious fears jolt me awake and let me know that, since I did dream, I had existed during sleep. I think therefore I am. I dream therefore I will be.

So why don't I just pray for 'sweet dreams'? Rare are the times that I have had such a good dream that it woke me. I think I may have dreamed...

Venge doesn't get to sleep. He is lucky. But he's nuts too. I don't have that luxury. I have few dreams and I dare not invite them into the times I sleep. That is where the nightmares are.

OMG! I totally fell asleep while writing this! That there is some sort of universal justice.