Here I write.
Not because I have found some insight.
Nor have I found any addition of time.
I write because I must be liable for my failings. I write because thoughts consume my mind with not an outlet. I write because some questions still linger. Questions that which I have avoided. I am preparing for the worst outcome later this morning.
Consider this all that resembles a deathbed confession.
Am I dying or something to that effect? Not at all. I am merely to stand before my accusers and accept my punishment. What has happened and who really gives a damn?
I can answer the first.
Some time in August (I think) I was pulled over by a policeman. He had felt the need to let me know that a bolt had come loose from my license plate and it was now hanging. He stated that it could be a danger and suggested that I take care of it. As is customary, he requested my drivers license, vehicle registration and proof of insurance. I handed him my license, dug for my registration and handed it to him. I then stated, quite plainly "I do not have insurance". He thanked me for my honesty and inquired as to why not. I replied that it was not within my finances. Of which he replied that, besides it being required by law, I could not afford NOT to have it. As evident by the ticket/fine.
I paid my ticket and fines whereas I was informed that I must get even more expensive insurance or else my drivers license would be revoked. I shook my head in disbelief and took my chances. If I was not able to afford it before, I definitely was not able to afford it now. But I couldn't afford not to have it.
October: a vehicle sped up behind me at night while driving up to Kuna to look at a house for rent. I am a careful driver. I only drive the speed limit. I was in the right-hand lane and became nervous of the car behind me. The road I was to turn off at had a red light. There was a truck in front of me and the car behind had broadened the gap between us and put me a little more at ease. As I gradually slowed to stop at the red light the car behind me came rushing in and was hard on the brakes. The truck in front of me veered to the right for the turn it was going to make, as did I. I was very nervous about the guy behind me and was anxious to get out of his way. Upon completing the turn, the car behind me turned on his police lights. I pulled over as soon as the narrow road allowed and cursed at myself. As I began mentally abusing myself and my stupidity I became confused. What had I done wrong? My driving was textbook.
The policeman let me know that I had crossed over a white line on the right side of the road to make my turn... I was speechless and chose to remain so. The cop stated that he noticed the truck in front of me do the same... but I was the guy in back. I was defeated. I didn't put up a fight. It would not have served me well. As is customary: license, registration, insurance. I had gotten them ready as I waited for him to approach my car and presented them. Again I stated that I did not have insurance. Again the policeman appreciated my honesty. After reviewing my information back in his cruiser he returned. He stated that it was typical to take me to jail for driving without permissions. He restated his value of honesty and let me go. He presented me with arrangements to set a court date, confiscated my license and informed me that I could not drive home.
I failed to make those arrangements. I feared spending time in jail and missing work. Missing another day of work would have led to me being fired.
March I was returning from work and stopped at a convenient store. The store was just a few blocks from home of which involved me driving a block and changing lanes and turning. I turned into the nearest lane as is required, set the blinker to change lanes, changed lanes-turned off blinker. I then turned on the blinker yet again to signal entering into the turn lane, then entered it. I paused and turned down the street towards where I am staying. Nearly a block down the street a police car appears behind me and turns on it's lights. Again I cursed myself, for I knew I was going to jail. And again I was confused by what I had done wrong. The officer (seemed kind of new at the job) stated that I failed to make a complete stop exiting the convenient store. I tried to recall if I had in fact not done so and could not. It was such a trivial matter as it was 12:30 a.m. and there were no cars on the road. But the law is the law. The customary inquiry into license and all that and I was ready. I said to him that he would most likely have to take me to jail and I did not have a license nor insurance. I presented my registration as if that single piece of documentation would save me. I recited my drivers license number from memory and provided all information inquired. I assisted the cop in locating items not easily reached within my trench coat and on my person. I was placed in the cop car and sat with myself and my doomed fate. The cops asked if I wanted my car left where it was or if I wanted it towed. I professed my faith in the neighborhood and they asked if I wanted my bag with my drawing materials put into my trunk since I was so cooperative. I agreed.
After locking my vehicle some items were left on the trunk and the policemen were having a tough time unlocking my touchy locks. I offered to unlock it myself and they stated that they could not let me out of the cuffs. I offered to remain in cuffs and attempt it from the side and they agreed.
I know I broke the law. All because I refused to pay a company for a service that I have not required, except by law. In fact the only time I had insurance coverage were the only time I got into accidents. At most I would have had about $100 in fines for all these incidents if I had insurance. At which point I would have a higher insurance rate.
It is a broken system that will, in turn, break me.
