Savior Self

I keep looking for someone to dig me out of this grave.

Someone who would lift me up, dust me off, and show me the wondrous park I was lying in.

I got tired of waiting and started to pull the dirt in on myself; accepting the only fate I thought I had in store.

"Water on a duck's back" they used to say about me. "Not much seems to get you down. It all just kind of rolls off"

How fitting the duck analogy is. Except I would agree more with the other one. "Duck floating on water. So calm on the surface, while underneath you find feet frantically paddling to keep afloat"

I've dug my grave.

I've laid in it.

I was buried up to my neck.

There are no more knights come to save you.

You have to save yourself.

*         *         *

_"Expecting someone else, were you, Deit?"

_"Yes... No... I... I'm not sure," Deitrick thought to her.
_Charon arches and eyebrow and looks at him, quizzically, "Who better to carry you across this sea than the Ferryman?"

_Who indeed? Just who was I expecting? As much as her words pull at my soul I have an... understanding that it is wrong. Interesting. I know what emotions are and also know that I do not have any. Deitrick's thoughts begin to trail off in various tangents; Jumping from one concept to the next.

So caught up in his own thoughts was he that he did not notice Charon snap her fingers nor her hand waving in front of his face. He paid no mind to any of Charon's attempts to get his attention.

_"Deitrick!" her words speared his soul and spun him around. He met her determined glare with one of his own.

_"Camellia" he calmly thinks to Charon who seems shocked by it, "That is who I expect here. But I don't know why. Why does every thought, every reasoning, every conclusion yield that name?"

_He turns and peers into the dark sea, blankly scanning the city below.

_"Every time my mind settles on that name, I find myself being drawn to something that isn't there," his focus shifts to the reflection cast onto the surface of the 'water', "I find it pulling at my heart."

His focus clarifies at the same instant that his fist goes to settle on his chest. Simultaneously he notices that he is only casting half of his reflection and that there is no chest over where his heart should be. Reflected in the darkness of sea is the right half of a naked man and on the left is a silhouette eclipsing some sort of brightness.

_He quickly brings his hands up before his face and notices the same. Naked right hand. Silhouette eclipsing brightness left hand.

_He turns and looks past his hands, "What is the meaning of this, Charon?"

_Charon sighs in resignation, "I can tell we are not going to get very far," She grabs her lantern-hung steering pole from the sand and begins to board her ferry, "I told you already, Mr. Devos, you are just half the man."

_Deitrick reaches for the ferryboat with his left hand, becomes disturbed by the sight of it, and collapses into the sand. He looks up towards Charon, "How did this happen?"

_Charon seats herself on one of the boat's benches, "How about you tell me? What do you remember? Think back further than this place."

Liability

Here I write.

Not because I have found some insight.

Nor have I found any addition of time.

I write because I must be liable for my failings. I write because thoughts consume my mind with not an outlet. I write because some questions still linger. Questions that which I have avoided. I am preparing for the worst outcome later this morning.

Consider this all that resembles a deathbed confession.

Am I dying or something to that effect? Not at all. I am merely to stand before my accusers and accept my punishment. What has happened and who really gives a damn?

I can answer the first.

Some time in August (I think) I was pulled over by a policeman. He had felt the need to let me know that a bolt had come loose from my license plate and it was now hanging. He stated that it could be a danger and suggested that I take care of it. As is customary, he requested my drivers license, vehicle registration and proof of insurance. I handed him my license, dug for my registration and handed it to him. I then stated, quite plainly "I do not have insurance". He thanked me for my honesty and inquired as to why not. I replied that it was not within my finances. Of which he replied that, besides it being required by law, I could not afford NOT to have it. As evident by the ticket/fine.

I paid my ticket and fines whereas I was informed that I must get even more expensive insurance or else my drivers license would be revoked. I shook my head in disbelief and took my chances. If I was not able to afford it before, I definitely was not able to afford it now. But I couldn't afford not to have it.

October: a vehicle sped up behind me at night while driving up to Kuna to look at a house for rent. I am a careful driver. I only drive the speed limit. I was in the right-hand lane and became nervous of the car behind me. The road I was to turn off at had a red light. There was a truck in front of me and the car behind had broadened the gap between us and put me a little more at ease. As I gradually slowed to stop at the red light the car behind me came rushing in and was hard on the brakes. The truck in front of me veered to the right for the turn it was going to make, as did I. I was very nervous about the guy behind me and was anxious to get out of his way. Upon completing the turn, the car behind me turned on his police lights. I pulled over as soon as the narrow road allowed and cursed at myself. As I began mentally abusing myself and my stupidity I became confused. What had I done wrong? My driving was textbook.

The policeman let me know that I had crossed over a white line on the right side of the road to make my turn... I was speechless and chose to remain so. The cop stated that he noticed the truck in front of me do the same... but I was the guy in back. I was defeated. I didn't put up a fight. It would not have served me well. As is customary: license, registration, insurance. I had gotten them ready as I waited for him to approach my car and presented them. Again I stated that I did not have insurance. Again the policeman appreciated my honesty. After reviewing my information back in his cruiser he returned. He stated that it was typical to take me to jail for driving without permissions. He restated his value of honesty and let me go. He presented me with arrangements to set a court date, confiscated my license and informed me that I could not drive home.

I failed to make those arrangements. I feared spending time in jail and missing work. Missing another day of work would have led to me being fired.

March I was returning from work and stopped at a convenient store. The store was just a few blocks from home of which involved me driving a block and changing lanes and turning. I turned into the nearest lane as is required, set the blinker to change lanes, changed lanes-turned off blinker. I then turned on the blinker yet again to signal entering into the turn lane, then entered it. I paused and turned down the street towards where I am staying. Nearly a block down the street a police car appears behind me and turns on it's lights. Again I cursed myself, for I knew I was going to jail. And again I was confused by what I had done wrong. The officer (seemed kind of new at the job) stated that I failed to make a complete stop exiting the convenient store. I tried to recall if I had in fact not done so and could not. It was such a trivial matter as it was 12:30 a.m. and there were no cars on the road. But the law is the law. The customary inquiry into license and all that and I was ready. I said to him that he would most likely have to take me to jail and I did not have a license nor insurance. I presented my registration as if that single piece of documentation would save me. I recited my drivers license number from memory and provided all information inquired. I assisted the cop in locating items not easily reached within my trench coat and on my person. I was placed in the cop car and sat with myself and my doomed fate. The cops asked if I wanted my car left where it was or if I wanted it towed. I professed my faith in the neighborhood and they asked if I wanted my bag with my drawing materials put into my trunk since I was so cooperative. I agreed.

After locking my vehicle some items were left on the trunk and the policemen were having a tough time unlocking my touchy locks. I offered to unlock it myself and they stated that they could not let me out of the cuffs. I offered to remain in cuffs and attempt it from the side and they agreed.

I know I broke the law. All because I refused to pay a company for a service that I have not required, except by law. In fact the only time I had insurance coverage were the only time I got into accidents. At most I would have had about $100 in fines for all these incidents if I had insurance. At which point I would have a higher insurance rate.

It is a broken system that will, in turn, break me.

Wight Knight

I used to think I had a hero complex, but discovered that it was more of a white knight syndrome. This is the primary reason that I do not seek the affections of another. Despite the seemingly overbearing desire of human companionship is the recognition that I need to save myself first.

It is my hope that Venge will be able to conquer this long before I do. Or possibly as I do. I have left some room to provide him with that opportunity (can't say the same for myself).

One thing I have not been able to conquer and that has been incorporated throughout the story is this sense of goddess worship or 'putting the p*ssy on a pedestal'. I do not shy away from having strong women characters and never have.

I apologize for the couple days delay on writing. To myself and my readers. Too much time wasted on clever or insightful 'forewards' leave me little time to continue the story. Personal goal: write more; think less... or maybe just to get down to business sooner and without so much ado.

Weak End

You would think that my weekend off of work would afford me greater freedom to complete personal tasks. Well it does. Unfortunately, writing and drawing end up being lower on the list than I would like. Instant gratification ends up becoming the priority. I am still so irresponsible.

I revised some notes. I even dropped the 'mature content' warning when opening this site (as it has yet to veer into any rated R content).

I find myself wanting miracles without wanting to pray for them. I find myself charming people accidentally then actively turning them away. I desire companionship, but refuse to seek it. I will charm you but refuse to acknowledge your feelings on the subject.

I could make a list of good and bad qualities in myself. Even though the bad side would be sorter, the weight I place on them are much greater. I am my own worst critic.

I am not worthy. Period.

Hm, rereading the above statements has me concerned. Might be best, in the future, if I don't write shortly after dealing with my exes. Oh well. It shall remain as proof that I actually did write today... kind of.

Nigh Expectations

Was only able to write briefly, yesterday. I found that, while closing my eyes to visualise the next part of the story, I had nodded off. Then today, I was to busy completing social obligations to make it back to writing. I am hoping for some better opportunities tomorrow.

Wrest Assured

By the way. This is the rough draft. I have found a handful of errors in both previous posts I do not foresee this being any different.

That being said, critique. Be brutal. But over all, be honest and constructive.

I have no muse. I have no mentor. I have no hero.

* * *

"Expecting someone else, where you then, Deit?" Karen enticed.

Contraint Ahead

An evaluation of my time has left me with only 1 hour to write. And looking at my schedule, this looks like a realistic goal. 2 hours of writing a night is now being replaced by 1 hour. At least I am still writing...

(p.s. I am still not satisfied with Blogspot's editing tools)

* * *

-Dietrick heard the robed woman's words but they seemed so distant, as if whispered from the bottom of a well. He thought to what has brought him to this place. What was he doing in this place? He recalled finding himself in a tunnel with no noticeable entrance nor exit. He had felt a cool breeze and elected to travel towards it, in the hopes of finding the surface. What he found was not at all what he had expected. Or had he? What was he doing in this place. Why couldn't he recall entering the tunnel?
-He noticed that his eyes were darting all around the cavern, searching for some clue to his whereabouts. Not able to recall where he was going nor where he had been, his eyes settled on those of the woman.
-Her eyes where squinted slightly, studying his.
-"You really have no idea, do you?" She began, "I can see now, why that may be. You are not complete. You are missing half of your soul. As the ferryman, I can take you across to your final destination, but I must ask that you pay the toll."
-She stepped from the boat and onto the black beach. Taking his hand and loping it around her waist, she moved ever closer to his ear.
-She purred into his eye, "Are you prepared to leave all your worldly possessions behind?"
-Deitrick found her words intoxicating as pulled at every fiber of his being. As if drawn by the siren's song he began to approach the boat. He reached up to steady his climb onto it when he felt himself held back. Looking back, he saw that the woman did not follow, but still held his hand.
-"Not so fast, my dear. Even though your soul desires it, which would be enough under normal circumstances, my master made me promise to get your verbal consent before doing so."
-Dietrick, unsure of what he was doing, felt that this is what he wanted. He searched for the means to speak his desire. He attempted to draw in a breathe to begin but panicked as no air filled his lungs. Panic took hold and flailed about, frantically. He felt pressure around his hand and looked to the cause.
-With the torch pole stuck in the sand, the woman was grasping his hand in both of hers.
-"Calm yourself!" She commanded him and the words, like before, manipulated his soul to do their bidding. "Focus your thoughts and 'speak your mind'. Do you wish to cross over?"
-A slight smile and tilt to her head and he found himself wanting to do whatever she wanted. He wished to please her and could not explain why. He did as she obeyed and focused his thoughts and memories. Flashes of memory crossed his minds eye. Memories of events, emotions, and people flooded his thoughts, but none lasted long enough to gather any incite from.
-He figured that every word that he composed would bring him closer to realisation, so he began forming the most remedial of sentences.
-"I am Dietrick Devos." He thought to her, with much hesitation. A nod from her reassured him that his juvenile attempt had met with success. "What is your name?" He inquired.

-"I am Karen, the ferryman."

-Her name, like a lit fuse, began to burn at his mind. He knew that name from somewhere. And with that realisation, he recalled seeing her face before. His eyes grew wide as the mental fuse detonated the mental explosives embedded in his mental walls. He jerked his hand from hers and pointed at her accusingly.

-"You're Karen, or Charon. The stalwart, the stubborn, and the charismatic. First to fight Death's will and reason with it. First of Death's lovers. And first Angel of Death!" Dietrick exclaimed. He noticed that he was shaking uncontrollably and dropped his hand. "What are you doing here?"

Bankrupture

A surprise deduction from my bank account has left me absolutely broken for the next week and a half. I can honestly say that I brought in upon myself... by avoiding financial obligations. I looked towards some semblance of financial relief in the most cleansing means possible. But, it turns out, a Chapter 7 Bankruptcy is not possible for me as the debt I owe is exempt.

So then, the only way I can free myself is to muscle through and pay it. But, according to my current statements, I will be unable to do so with my current salary. Subtract current payments and add on fees and charges makes the total balance due more than before I made the payment...

This leave me with 3 possibilities and options, some more realistic than others. I can luck into some sort of inheritance (the most unlikely), I could win the lottery (can't win if you don't play), or I could be presented with a career change that would greatly increase my income... And, since I am not looking to risk job security in today's job market, I am left with creating my own job. Self employment.

Which I why I am writing here again. I am too busy and too distracted to hope for any amount of success. But maybe, just maybe, I can find some spark of responsibility within myself to stay focused and driven.

In comparison of factors associated with seeing success in this endeavor I find that my writing is still the most lacking. To that end, I will attempt to write my complete story here. A portion at a time. I will hold myself to doing so for a minimum of 2 hours a day. I fully expect some days to be more rewarding than others. And I'm not yet sure if I will include a 'diary' section at the beginning of each.

(p.s I really am not liking Blogspot lack of accurate editing tools)

* * *

Book 1: Avenger

Chapter 1: Karen

-The cavern was enormous. The ghostly blue light from braziers on the walls and tiki style metal torches on the beach cast eerie reflections about the cavern. High above, something reflected that light in such a way that it resembled flickering stars in the black-night sky. The pattern of flickering followed along the walls lending to the falsification that this was not a cavern at all, but some beach overlooking an open ocean.

-The dark sea did not ripple and neither did it have waves. Where it met the black sand of the beach it merely rose and fell as does the chest of a breathing mortal, to creep up the coastline and recede without surface disturbance. Reflected in it's surface was the false starlight.
-Beyond and below the surface could be seen a vast city of decay. The streets looked to made of cobblestone and the structures made of cracked mortar. The roofs looked to be covered in a tangle of roots and branches. Faint blue lights dotted the subsurface landscape in the same sort of eerie azure blue flame.
-Dietrich Devos looked back towards the direction he had come. The bright light emanating from the opening caused him to shield his sight and shy away. He turned away and noticed that no light was spilling through from whence he came as if the cavern itself was devouring it.
-Returning his attention once again to the submerged city, he was surprised to find a robed figure standing atop a motionless boat. Grasped in two bony hands and to one side was a thin pole atop which hung a blue flamed lamp. The figure raises its head and two smoldering blue coals peer into Dietrich's soul. The coals blink out and the figure lowers it's hood.
-Long, curly dark hair fell onto the shoulders of the figures robe and frame an even featured and fair skinned face. The chest of the figure rises as it takes in a large breathe and across supple lips escapes a sultry whisper.
-"What are you doing here, Dietrich? Does this mean you are ready?"

Accost of Living

So, I asked of my life, "What is it that you want from me?"

My life replied of me, "Everything that you achieve."

"And my friends?" I inquired, "Will you take what they achieve?"

My life looked at me shrewdly, "I will take no more than they are willing to give. For, they will not give more than such."

"Costly it is, to retain that attachment to me," I succumbed.

"Detrimental to them is it," life quipped, "the power of your personality."

"And if I requested that you leave them be, life of mine?"

"Then would I request of you to leave them."

We are the sum of everything we have done. Without each other we would be a death not worth remembering.