Victory!
I had feared that things were looking up for me. Insane you say? I agree.
While I wish for things to turn out better, in the long run, I am an artist. And an artist's primary tool for their art is passion. Artwork can never be called such unless it possesses passion as its primary focus. Art without passion is like a relationship without love. And I have experienced both.
So, as things progressed from crappy to stable, I found that nothing was driving my art. What am I supposed to draw? What am I supposed to write? Am I supposed to go out of my way to find things that affect me in a negative way? This only proves to defeat oneself.
Now, it is true that there are positive passions. But these I have not experienced for quite a while. I recently found a job, but it really wasn't something I had to strive for. It was not an achievement, merely a step.
So, it happened. Another crushing blow in this boxing ring called life.
I may have mentioned earlier that I am ruled by passion. And, to a greater extent, women. Rejection is not something that is a foreign concept to me. But, I take such care to avoid it, that when it happens, I become crippled.
Success at last! Emotional limbo is no place to dwell. But emotional euphoria is delusional. At least I hope so. I hope that I am not only supposed to experience it once in my life, when I am too young to appreciate or take advantage of it.
True artists are tortured souls.
So let the emotional self mutilation begin!
MidKnight, you are pathetic.
I know, but I am my kind of pathetic. And one that I have no interest in you changing.
* * *
The man who stands before Gregor and yourself is large. He is both tall and broad of shoulder. He wears a dark-grey cloak over, what you guess, is medieval armor of some sort. He occasionally shifts his weight, but there is no noticeable metallic sounds. Likewise, he was able to approach you both quietly and without effort.
His voice is deep and strong, but not overly powerful or forceful.
"Forgive me for disturbing your conversation, Seeker Gregor. But I require a moment of your time," he says.
Gregor looks to the large man, "Certainly. Give me just a moment."
Gregor then looks to you, "As an Observate in training you do not have an identity. This man is currently not either of our subjects for observation. But, occasionally, personal lives interfere with Observate edicts. As such, you are to remain silent and do what we do best: observe."
"But first," Gregor looks back to the large man, "introductions are in order."
Gregor motions to you with an open palm, "This is an Observate in training, has no identity, and will only observe." He then motions to the large man in the same manor and says, "This is Graustein. He retains no family name due to being raised in a holy order from birth. And he would have attained the highest position of leadership within his current order if he had such desires. The order he was raised in is able to perform miracles derived from the power of God and belief in him to become Paladins. Since those days, Graustein has joined with an order that is able to perform atrocities derived from the power of Lilith and belief in her to become Blackguard. He has finally found his place in an order that maintains balance in the natural world derived from the power of Death and belief in it/her to become an Unpaladin."
The large man, named Graustein chuckles softly, "Gregor, you Observates never fail to amuse me. Yours is, by far, the greatest task any human could hope to undertake. And I hold the recitations of your order in high regards."
Gregor nods at Graustein in recognition.
"If you don't mind me asking," Graustein begins again, "who's tale were you just reciting?"
Gregor pauses and it is apparent that he is not confident in telling Graustein.
After a moment of looking from you to the ground and back he finally looks Graustein squarely in the eye and states, "Venge."
The once jovial expression on Graustein's face melts away to one of stern seriousness. Graustein looks at you with a clenched jaw and speaks through clenched teeth, "Let me tell you something about that man."
Gregor looks as if he is about to cut Graustein off from speaking when Graustein raises a hand to silence him. He lowers the hood on his cloak and says, "No, Gregor, this Initiate needs to hear this. It may be biased. I may be biased. But, what did you say to me once? Outside observation is sometimes needed to gain a different perspective? So here it is."
"Venge is possibly the most remarkable human being to ever be created on this earth. Since becoming an Unpaladin, it has been my quest to send those who would run from death, to the afterlife judgement. These people are commonly referred to as the undead."
"Now, Venge is technically one of them, but he is not. This is not what makes him remarkable. The first thing was his ability to forsake the gift of life bestowed upon him by the combined will of God and Lilith. His sheer will to die overpowered that of his creators. I am not talking about a suicide through any unnatural assistance. He just willed himself to stop living. And you may think that this is not such a hard task, that the elderly do it all the time. The elderly do not die because they stop living. They die because their time is up and they expire."
"Second, Venge is possessed with vengeful souls. And I do not mean this figuratively. All the vengeful souls of all eternity are trapped within his mind. They guide him towards their ultimate goals of revenge. They educate him and provide him information that he can use to free them from their eternal emotional incarceration. And, once again, by his sheer will alone he is able to keep these entities in check and maintain his own sanity."
"And lastly, Venge possesses a love more powerful than anything that has been recorded. When God and Lilith wished nothing but love and true love for Death on her most recent embodiment, Venge was fated as the recipient and provider of that love. So true and so powerful is his love for the entity know as Death that he could create realities that rival the present creations of God, Lilith and Death. Luckily, Venge considers himself just a man. A man who longs for a love that he may never again receive."
"How am I sure of such things? I hunted him for a long time with the intent to slay him. I observed him in possibly as much detail as you and yours are trained to do. In our final encounter I was set to deal him the final death strike when something happened. Reality changed. It is incredibly difficult to describe what happened. I have been asked if it was possible that he infected me with his insanity. The only response that I can provide is that I was trained extensively with the Order of Paladins, the Order of Blackguard, and the Order of Unpaladins to be immune to such things. But, if a man who is insane can create his own reality, would not his reality also become insane?"
"All I can leave you with is that Venge possesses the greatest love which drives his personal passions, which in turn gives him the will to do anything. It is fortunate for us that his love, passion, and will are set to free the souls trapped in his psyche so that he may spend another moment with Death. He will do this until he no longer needs to. It is unclear as to what will happen when his time finally does come. I just hope that I can be a witness to it."
At the top of this list is Leonardo Da Vinci. His work is not as clearly reflected in my own as others on this list. But, his craft for invention and dissection of the human anatomy, as well as his use of values (color) within his work, is definitely something that has been an influence of all artist. And, since I enjoy creating new and interesting things, I found a kindred spirit in him. I discovered that it was possible to be an artist that creates rather than one who just reproduces. This was instrumental in being able to find my own style and my own way to express it.
The next most influential would have to be Greg Capullo. Greg's work first caught my eye when he pencilled the New Mutants last Annual in the first series (or maybe it was X-Forces first Annual). In that story he portrayed a futuristic team that included my favorite single comic book character: Magik. I liked his art unlike many artists who are pulled in to draw the Annuals. Soon after he became the full time artist for the X-Force comic. This was a series that I was following fully at the time and continued to be excited about his pencils. While researching his background, I noticed that he had been a commercial artist before comic book work. This is were his influence took hold. He let me know that there were jobs that I could get where I could gain experience and earn a paycheck. I then became convinced that pursuing a Graphics Arts Degree would be most beneficial to my future plans. I could gain an education in art without fighting to stay engaged in general ed and boring art history classes. Don't get me wrong, I know those classes have merit, but they just seemed like an unnecessary obstacle on my path to becoming a professional artist. To this day, I have some pages torn out of the Wizard: The Guide to Comics in which he had a monthly article about learning to draw comics. These have become a kind of comic bible that I refer to often.
The next to last on my list is Brett Booth. Not as well known as other artist in the genre, but his was a style I enjoyed looking at. In addition, he taught me that, the style I was developing by accident, was perfectly acceptable. His characters tended to be leggy and nearly unproportionate. But, he was able to make it look good. My style was developing into one that was being reflected in this artists publication. I was able to determined how his art looked so different but not in a bad way. I could see how my own style would sometimes stray from reason and be able to reel it in. In a sense, he taught me how to see when my proportioning was getting too 'out of control'.
The final, and possibly most influential is/was Peter Chung. He is most well known as the lead artist/designer/director of AEon Flux. The first glimpse I had of the animated short on Liquid Television had me drawn to it. I would anticipate the next episode of the series in hopes of catching another glimpse of it. His storytelling was dramatic and equally elusive. As there was no dialogue in the shorts, all the story was told in actions. Most notably, his characters were drawn lean and angular. While the angularity of the art made it strange to witness, the leanness and agility they held, fascinated me. During this time frame is also when I had determined that I wanted to be a comic book artist. So, as I was learning to draw superheroes and the like, I was also being entranced with his style. I wanted my characters to be lean, leggy, and lithe. But, I did not want them to be angular unless it served the character (typically with those who possess a hard substance covering them i.e. stone skin, armor plates, etc.). 
The last, and possibly most obscure, is Basara . This character is probably the glue that brought it all together. He is a character from the Samari Showdown series of fight games. During the course of playing the first game he appeared in (SS3) I became facinated with his untold stoy. If he was victorious in the match (2 of 3 rounds) he would see the spirit of a woman who seemed to be someone whom he longed for. If he was victorious without losing a round in the match (2 of 2) he would get to hold her breifly. In either case, she would disappear which would cause him to cry out in anguish while collapsing.
