Man as God

Finding out that you are very different can be tough. Being reminded of it can be even tougher. And learning to deal with it is impossible. You cannot deal with it. You will either change to conform to someone else (or the generalised populace), or you accept yourself and tackle everything else that comes with it.

I have fluctuated between those two points at frequent intervals in my life. Picked on in school. Bullying in school. Molding into someone else to be accepted by them in relationships. Until I can finally, and faithfully, be everything I have made of myself. Everything that I am is everything that I took from everything in my past. I can honestly say, I am happy with what I have become and I do not care if it is anything that anyone else wants from me.

I'm not cocky. I have just finally accepted what I am. No need to try to be anything else. Luckily I found someone who agrees with me. With her, I don't feel that I have to be something else. I don't fear letting her know everything about me. I am not ashamed of being me. For once in my freaking life... I can be me.

* * *

"Well," Begins Gregor, "You have learned a bit about the history of our world, our reality, and my current target. It is about time for you to learn of yours."

"The man you are being assigned to his been of great interest to the Observates as well as just about every supernatural entity that this world possesses. And we did have a Seeker watching him. We even have record of the person we sent, but all traces of them have vanished. There is no paper trail for him at all, and the Seeker's parents don't remember him."

"The name of the man you have been assigned to is, Edward Delahardy. And he is the only true Magus we have been able to locate."
"This is his last known whereabouts," He says, handing you a slip of paper.

"Contact me anytime you feel the need... and do be careful."

* * *

(TBC)

Taller Ladders/Shorter Heights

Have you ever had so much in your arms and go charging up a ladder, only to misjudge the amount of steps it has? I hope you never do. The result is utter disaster and pain. Momentum carries you higher, while gravity pulls you down. Your foot attempts to rest on the next step, that is not there. You come crashing down to the ground in extreme pain, and whatever you were carrying is thrown aside for personal security.

I have had that happen to me literally. And today, it happened to me figuratively.

Six months. I was half a year away from being the first person in my family to have achieved a higher education. Six lousy months from being able to fully realise a personal goal of being a professional artist.

Nearly every person who attends a college or university is on borrowed funds. I was and still am, one of those people. But, I could never pay them back. I was waiting for my career to begin to pay for itself. So those funds have defaulted. I must pay them in order to borrow anymore. I don't blame them. It is only sound business... from an establishment that GIVES money away to failing businesses.

I do not know if I will ever be able to pay them off, let alone be able to pay for a higher education. I should have known this would happen. It is almost Karmic. Actually, it is exactly Karmic. The more I achieve, the more I lose. I better I feel about my life, the worse it gets. If I brag, I fail.

Sure, all is not lost. This only a setback. There are options.

But, not right now.

And not soon.

Right now, I hurt and I cast aside the things I was carrying for my own security.

Lost in the Details

Being OCD about things being organised and always having new ideas have combined with being a perfectionist in my own work to cause me great delays.

Organisation: A process in which I create a schedule and a process to complete any task. Step by step I create and execute a plan and move to the next. Plan and execute. Plan and execute. Interruptions in the process can be attained by inserting another step that must first be evaluated for its effectiveness and then implemented. This can create a situation in which previous execution must also be evaluated and reimplemented.

Creative: The ability of my overactive mind to storm off into a wide array of tangents. Each one, in and of itself, having to possibility to storm off into their own tangents. Most often the greatest creative processes stem from sensory stimulation. A taste, smell, touch, sound, sight, or feeling. Most often the later. Somethings triggers an onslaught of tangenting ideas with the most powerful or 'coolest' creating the largest impact.

Perfection: An acceptance that nothing that I can or will ever do/create will meet its full potential. An understanding that everything can always be so much better. This further leads to improving upon everything I do. A better story, a better character, a better way. Nothing will ever be complete. And nothing will ever be as good as it can be. But damned if I don't get as close as I possibly can.

A majority of inspiration is actually just an improved upon idea. I wanted to draw Venge as Darren Duvoss in a straitjacket before he became a 'hero'. A desire to create an accurate straitjacket needed researching. Researching it became a realisation of similarities with other elements. These similarities became and idea. This idea became a reevaluation.

This reevaluation has become a confliction of desired elements and logical inclusion. A man with blades on his arms must be able to use his arms. To have the blades cut through the jacket creates an unnecessary distraction of design elements. Why have frayed jacket sleeves present if they are just going to be frayed tatters? How to combine jacket that fastens in the back with one that fastens over a breast? How to make it efficiently look like both a straitjacket AND a fencing jacket? Oh and lest we forget to incorporation of the reaper element?

Six of one... half-dozen of the other.

Step by step examples of this process was an interesting idea, but failed in its execution. 1) Sketches too light to scan, graphically enhance, and repost for clarity. 2) Whole images erased in their entirety, abandoned, and have no bearing on the outcome. 3) Doubt

Commitment

It is completed. The last image I wanted to convey before charging forward into creating the actual book. So here it is:

Original drawing was created with a 7H drawing pencil but would not scan. Went over it again with a mechanical pencil. Could have inked it just as easily except that I am not as confident with the permanence of ink. So then, I scanned it in and modified the image with darkness and gamma. I then used some minor tweaks to remove the color and maximise the dark values.

While researching what a straitjacket would look like, I came across images of fencing tunics. I noticed that they looked very similar which prompted me to reconsider Venge's 'costume'. Since he is a swordsman and is constantly teetering on the edge of sanity, I figured this would be great concepts to incorporate into his outfit.

I am going to explore various ways in which I could add these qualities into a new outfit for him. I want to do this now, before I start cranking out pages, rather than 13 issues later when his 'persona' has already become established.

It is only a slight sidetrack, but one that may take a few weeks to recover from. I plan to draw up some sketches until I can find something that fits. After that, I will probably create a new detail board of his 'costume' details. These design board are a reference source from which I can look back to to make sure that I am not leaving out any details (such as the ribbons that keep his mask on, accidentally excluded from some recent drawings).

I think it would also be interesting to post step-by-step pictures of this process...

Interpreter

-I have been able to discover the benefits of having another artistic eye look at my work. I realised this last night/early this morning. They could look at my work before it is finish and give me feedback, even if I do not ask for it. In fact I usually don't ask for feedback, not unless I doubt what I am creating (as with my writing in these blogs). But, the fact that they can look at my creation, see what I am trying to convey, and let me know how to best achieve that, has been a great help.

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-It has only recently become possible for me to benefit from this type of help. The primary reason is that I am more confident in my abilities and my determination. I am able to accept criticism and apply that to what I am doing without taking it personally. Additionally, I am finding it easier to change what I am doing and work towards a different picture.

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-If I experienced an extended break between drawings, I would come back to look at my old creations and just be marveled. I would think to myself, 'Holy crud! I did this?'. I was so amazed at what I could create that I would fear making changes to them. I was so afraid of losing the drive and ambition. I was afraid of erasing something and not being able to recreate it. Now I look back at them and can see what I would change to improve them. I don't make the changes so that they may serve as a reminder of my achievements and things that I should be mindful of in my future creations.

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-Because of my increased confidence, I can accept commentary from my peers. My friend can use their artistic eye, understand what I am trying to create, and let me know where I fall short. It is a personal blow to be told that you are not able to do something that you feel strongly about. But, it is an even greater defeat when you find out that you failed to do so all together. When she tells me I need to change something, I look at it and usually agree. Or, at the very least, I can see if what I am trying to create is not accurately represented in my drawing. If she can't see it, or if she can see it better a different way, then I recreate it.

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-I am honored to have an artistic and critical eye looking down on my works, in progress, and let me know the truth. One of these 'learning to draw' books stated that if you wanted to get an honest opinion about your work, do not ask your mom or girlfriend as they will love everything you do... even if it sucks.

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-As for the piece that I had completed and ready for graphic overhauls? It turns out that the 7H drawing pencil was way too light for the scanner to pick up. Darkness/gamma corrections did nothing to improve it. I stuck it back on the drawing board to darken it in. And important step for me, as it has provided me an opportunity to look at me drawing in a different light. I can see what I was trying to create and determine how I wish to recreate it. I have a chance to create it again without erasing the whole image.

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-And, during this darkening, it was made aware of a fault in the drawing. I got confirmation that what I was wanting to create was understood but portrayed poorly. OK, that's a bit harsh. She let me know that she knew what I was trying to create and helped me to figure out a way to create it better.

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-I was good to have that certain someone who could understand what I wanted in my art, and help me achieve it. I will miss that.

Reject

I should never had pursued her. I told myself that I could not. Yet the creeping loneliness reached up from the recesses and touched hope. I know now to bury it deeper.

"I just want to be friends" means exactly that. That there is no attraction. And then loneliness touches it and asks, "But maybe someday." And then the brain hears that and asks, "Why not now? What is going to change?" And then the heart runs with it.

Then you are left trying to be something else. Something that can be a friend while trying to form a stronger connection. You should not have to try. I should not have to try.

But here I am. Talking to myself because there is no one else to hear me. Why does that matter? I can already play their words in my head. "Don't worry, mate, you'll find someone.", "What are you complaining about? You already found your true love", "She wasn't good for you anyway." Why do I have to hear it from someone else? It's not like I would give those words any more weight. I have no way of knowing if they are just saying such things to make me feel better, or if they really mean them. A friend should never lie to you, but a friend also tries to make you feel better. But I guess a friend would make you feel better by telling you the truth.

*sigh*

Women

Conflicted

I am surprised that I can even come to a decision sometimes. So often I try see something from all possible angles. I am passionate about a very select amount of things. I would give my all to them. Everything else is pondered to death.

Such as when determining the things I should say or how I should feel. Nearly sociopathic, I sometimes bury my emotions until I can assess what spawned the emotion and what a reasonable response to it might be. I bottle most of it up. And by the time I can come up with a response, the moment is gone and I still hold onto the emotion with no outlet for it.

And then there are conversations. A moment where I do not have the time or luxury of waiting. I am instantly required to be everything that I have established of myself. I am expected to be witty and possibly even charming. Instantly. So, as fast as my brain can, I find myself working through possible responses and their possible reactions. And with each possible response comes the image of self. What am I trying to say? What will they think I am trying to say?

Bragging Rights

Writing your own "About the Author" is really about how well you can play the horn. You are, indeed, 'tooting your own horn' but, as you are expected to write it subjectively, you have to find the right notes; the right things to say.
And I absolutely hate bragging. Strange it is that I felt compelled to add it to the blog then.
I tried to not brag as much as I tried to state the facts... Oddly enough, that is the same reason I cannot retell a story.

Unsaid At Last

So much to say and so little time to say it in. So much that I cannot say; should not say, but must.

Oxymoronic.

So much emotional pain and disappointment.

At the men in my life, who I always looked up to. I am always trying to find role models in those around me. If I could not look up to you, then I looked down on you. Shame on me. Never would I assume that I could be someones role model. How many men looked at me a thought that I was pretty cool and someone they would like to be with; hang out and be friends with? If I met myself I would both like to hang out with me but I would also look down on me. What would cause this conflicted feeling of friendship? Where does that leave me for future friendships?Where does that leave me with my current friendships?

At the women in my life, who I always wanted to be there for me. I am always trying to be some sort of hero to them but secretly looking to find someone to support me. Not hand and foot, but as a support system. All of them have failed me. Shame on me. From the first woman who never met my expectations, to the one who left me before I could experience everything I wanted with her. To the ones who tired of my frailties, stopped loving me, and lead me down a path of self destruction and deniable self worth. What would cause my total self worth to be measured by another? Where does this leave me for future relationships? Where does that leave my with any current ones?

At myself and my life, who I always expected to be greater. I am always trying to create a lasting work to remember. A true piece of art that I can unleash my emotions on. I am failing myself. Shame on me. From the first thing I traced to win an award, I have told that I had talent and should not put it to waste. Waste. Never was my 'talent' measured in the areas of virtuosity, just above par. At seeing my art, I am always plagued by the 'can you draw something for me?' or, most recently, 'do you do tattoo art', 'can you fix this'. What causes this art as design philosophy? Where does that leave my future creations? Where does that leave me as being an artist?

Death. The answer to all those questions is death. Unless I can do something about it. Is it too late for an old dog to learn new tricks? Is it too late to rewire my mind? Am I a Popeye who states that 'I am what I am, and that's all I am...' or can I be someone who is greater?

It is extremely difficult to visualise a self image that would be contrary to a majority of what composes my 'self'. I look up to and respect men or I look down on them. I worship women no matter how much they prove themselves false gods. And I measure myself with the image others have of me, while trying to ruin that image and falsify it.

To the men in my life: I will strive to see you as equals, and deserving of a fair shake.

To the women in my life: I will strive to see you as equals, and take you down from the pedestal.

To myself: I will strive to see you as worthy...

... and fail.