Conflicted

I am surprised that I can even come to a decision sometimes. So often I try see something from all possible angles. I am passionate about a very select amount of things. I would give my all to them. Everything else is pondered to death.

Such as when determining the things I should say or how I should feel. Nearly sociopathic, I sometimes bury my emotions until I can assess what spawned the emotion and what a reasonable response to it might be. I bottle most of it up. And by the time I can come up with a response, the moment is gone and I still hold onto the emotion with no outlet for it.

And then there are conversations. A moment where I do not have the time or luxury of waiting. I am instantly required to be everything that I have established of myself. I am expected to be witty and possibly even charming. Instantly. So, as fast as my brain can, I find myself working through possible responses and their possible reactions. And with each possible response comes the image of self. What am I trying to say? What will they think I am trying to say?

Bragging Rights

Writing your own "About the Author" is really about how well you can play the horn. You are, indeed, 'tooting your own horn' but, as you are expected to write it subjectively, you have to find the right notes; the right things to say.
And I absolutely hate bragging. Strange it is that I felt compelled to add it to the blog then.
I tried to not brag as much as I tried to state the facts... Oddly enough, that is the same reason I cannot retell a story.

Unsaid At Last

So much to say and so little time to say it in. So much that I cannot say; should not say, but must.

Oxymoronic.

So much emotional pain and disappointment.

At the men in my life, who I always looked up to. I am always trying to find role models in those around me. If I could not look up to you, then I looked down on you. Shame on me. Never would I assume that I could be someones role model. How many men looked at me a thought that I was pretty cool and someone they would like to be with; hang out and be friends with? If I met myself I would both like to hang out with me but I would also look down on me. What would cause this conflicted feeling of friendship? Where does that leave me for future friendships?Where does that leave me with my current friendships?

At the women in my life, who I always wanted to be there for me. I am always trying to be some sort of hero to them but secretly looking to find someone to support me. Not hand and foot, but as a support system. All of them have failed me. Shame on me. From the first woman who never met my expectations, to the one who left me before I could experience everything I wanted with her. To the ones who tired of my frailties, stopped loving me, and lead me down a path of self destruction and deniable self worth. What would cause my total self worth to be measured by another? Where does this leave me for future relationships? Where does that leave my with any current ones?

At myself and my life, who I always expected to be greater. I am always trying to create a lasting work to remember. A true piece of art that I can unleash my emotions on. I am failing myself. Shame on me. From the first thing I traced to win an award, I have told that I had talent and should not put it to waste. Waste. Never was my 'talent' measured in the areas of virtuosity, just above par. At seeing my art, I am always plagued by the 'can you draw something for me?' or, most recently, 'do you do tattoo art', 'can you fix this'. What causes this art as design philosophy? Where does that leave my future creations? Where does that leave me as being an artist?

Death. The answer to all those questions is death. Unless I can do something about it. Is it too late for an old dog to learn new tricks? Is it too late to rewire my mind? Am I a Popeye who states that 'I am what I am, and that's all I am...' or can I be someone who is greater?

It is extremely difficult to visualise a self image that would be contrary to a majority of what composes my 'self'. I look up to and respect men or I look down on them. I worship women no matter how much they prove themselves false gods. And I measure myself with the image others have of me, while trying to ruin that image and falsify it.

To the men in my life: I will strive to see you as equals, and deserving of a fair shake.

To the women in my life: I will strive to see you as equals, and take you down from the pedestal.

To myself: I will strive to see you as worthy...

... and fail.

Sketchy... at best

Just a little, non-weepy, update on what I have been up to.

I blog here to get a break from drawing. I also use this to hone my writing abilities, as I will need those skills when writing my own story. So, while I used to blog at least once a day, I do not do so much anymore. I have been able to balance life, work, and my life's work to create a schedule that best suites my needs and timetable. Pauses between postings here mean that I am, most likely, occupied with one of those things above.

The advantage of this blog, is that I can use it to fill two of the schedules: life and life's work. You write what you know. You know your experiences. You experience everything in your environment. This becomes your life. So then, in order to write effectively for this story (my life's work), I must write about my experiences (my life). But, I will refrain from using this as a day-to-day dairy. I have taken care to only include those things that have prompted a certain emotion or personal background for the story.

Recently, I have been creating splash images (drawings of one or more characters posing and filling the image) of Venge and crew. These are the closest I come to sketches. I use them to create and understand the depth of the character from many angles. Also, to get a feel of how well they may translate to a page with panels. I already notice that some of their 'costumes' may be too 'busy' and have too much detail to accurately recreate in a smaller panel.

Case in point: SangGwen's Bloodletter Blade is damn wicked. This has been one of my favorite creations, but the unusual structure of it is difficult to recreate in a drawing without confusing the reader. Above she is shown wielding it; and to the right is my original design in a modified image to bring out it's detail. So, then, I have been creating more images of it, in use, to see if it can still be a reasonable prop.

But, mostly, I have been creating images of Venge, using the time in between calls at work. I have one more idea I want to convey in an image before I move on to producing my first pages for this.

Acceptable Casualties

I set up a meeting with someone who I plan to collaborate with on this project. The meeting place was Barnes & Noble. I figured it was a nice enough place to grab some coffee, sit and bounce ideas off each other, and it would have a wealth of resource material if we felt so inclined. Additionally, I thought it would be pretty neat to draw there while grabbing inspiration from everything around.

I soon as I showed up I immediately felt embarrassed to bring my big, black, leather bag full of drawing materials, inside. I left it in the car, just in case I felt a desire to pull from it later. So I wandered around B&N for about an hour before I attempted to contact the other person. I got the voicemail and left a message. I wandered from the sci-fi section (looking for a current copy of Armor) to the Graphic Novel section (looking for a collect of stories about my favorite character) when something interesting caught my eye. While digging in and through stacks of books looking for what I wanted, I saw a guide to creating graphic novels.

I was intrigued. Maybe there was something I was missing. Maybe there were some things that I not foresee and, as a result, not have planned for. I pulled the book down and had a seat to skim the contents. I was not sure if this was something I was willing to pay $15 for, so I gave it a once over. Contained within was nothing I had not heard before, but it did outline them in a organised manner. I decided that it was worth the lose of funds. About an hour of that passed when I began to get weary of skimming a topic that I wanted to read fully.

I took a break and called her again (she did insist that I try repeatedly in case she was sleeping). Still no answer... straight to voicemail. I even dropped a text message as she was more prompt in their responses. No reply. I thought to myself that it was no big deal. I was already here and should not put this time to waste.

I resumed my search for those books I was looking for earlier as I was convinced to buy the graphic novel guide but would have to read it later. During my dig I found 4 other books all dealing with the concept of creating my own graphic novel. I sighed, pulled down the other guides and found another spot to peruse them. My analysis was not as thorough as with the 1st but I could already see some differences. I eventually settled on Making Comics by Scott McCloud. Of all the books, this one hit on all the points that each of the others missed, or that they didn't hit as hard as I would have liked.

Then I turned to books over and almost seconded guessed myself. The books were accurately priced by value. The cheaper the book, the less it caught my interest. But, was I willing to spend $25 on this one? I reasoned that the fact that I was even looking at them was a good indication that it was something I needed and certainly wanted. I made the purchase and was pleased. I gave up on waiting for my collaborator after one last attempt at calling and decided to return home.

While at home I continued to skim the book because I felt much too tired to actually read it. I kind of skipped over the storytelling aspect and went to the drawing part. That is where I saw those most dreaded words: draw everyday, keep it simple, and throw nothing out. Grr. I draw with purpose and an idea in mind. I rarely just sketch. Well, I guess my version of sketches would be the ideas that got screwed up and are put away.

I am, quite nearly, a perfectionist when it comes to my own work. So to create something simply for the purpose of putting lead to paper seems like a waste. It would be like watching a movie for the sole purpose of criticizing it. Like having sex simply for the friction but no climax. That's right; artistic masturbation, I said it.

Now, some of my artwork simply gets thrown away. But anything that has dealt with or will deal with Venge and this story have been kept. And through that process I can see the value in it. But, like I stated before, they were meant to be completed works that just didn't meet my standards. They were not sketches for the sake of sketching. I do not feel that I should sketch when I should be, full on, drawing. It just feels like a waste of time.

I use 'waste', 'feel', 'value', and 'time' a whole lot in these blogs. How can something of value be a waste? It cannot. But these works are restricted by time and based on feelings.

I have a limited amount of time,
To create the things I feel.
I can only afford to focus on the things of value.
Everything else is a waste.

But my logic is flawed. A writer writes what they know. You know everything that has had an affect on you. And because they are needed to create your work, they now have value. So, if a writer writes about everything they value, and everything else is a waste, then nothing is a waste.

Time will be my ultimate judge.

Dreams Hell Oblivion

I hate sleeping. Ok, I don't hate sleeping, I just hate being unconscious during it. I crawl into bed (if I'm lucky) and pray for a nightmare. That's right, the most peaceful and relaxing time in our lives and I pray for nightmares. Add that to the list of things that I do beyond the norm.

"Why?", you may be asking? Oblivion. Sleep is the 3-9 hours that I do not exist. I hate that (and I don't hate much of anything). If I were to die (and there is an afterlife) I would be overjoyed. Even if the place I went to was hell. For even in that hell I would know that I still exist. I still am. But, I believe a much worse fate lies in store for me.

Without getting to much into my beliefs, I will explain. True hell for me would be nothing. Oblivion. Limbo. Not the dark places of myth. Actual, absolute nothingness. A ceasing of existence. Terrifying. I would be happy tortured in hell rather than just shutting off the lights on myself.

And sleeping is a small piece of my personal hell. Absolute oblivion that I try to avoid. I postpone it until the desire to sleep overrides the fear of doing so. And so I pray for nightmares. Those subconscious fears jolt me awake and let me know that, since I did dream, I had existed during sleep. I think therefore I am. I dream therefore I will be.

So why don't I just pray for 'sweet dreams'? Rare are the times that I have had such a good dream that it woke me. I think I may have dreamed...

Venge doesn't get to sleep. He is lucky. But he's nuts too. I don't have that luxury. I have few dreams and I dare not invite them into the times I sleep. That is where the nightmares are.

OMG! I totally fell asleep while writing this! That there is some sort of universal justice.

Catching Up

* Added some previously unfinished or omitted entries. Some may seem like duplicates while others may only seem like snippets. They are dropped into the date slot that they would have originally been posted. So you may have to scroll down a bit. I do not throw away any of my sketches and I feel that I should do the same with the story.

* Finally created my own header and enjoyed playing with Photoshop even for just this little bit. Original artwork took about a week. While the edits took about 3 hours (mainly to remember the controls).

* Established that I would no longer post updates on Facebook. Those who care are already here. I may change my mind. I have every right. Besides, who would want everyone to see there diary? That, and I am sure that I do not want everyones opinion.

Now, back to tarnishing clean, white paper!

Moving on

If there are no more questions, shall we move on?

Move on. Indeed. Easier to say, than do. Moving on means that you ignore what has just happened and jump to something else or continue from where you were interrupted. I shall move on from the crummy relationships that used me for my frailties, onto the thing they interrupted: Venge.

Looking back from the day I started this project fifteen years ago, I can see what has gotten in it's way. My relationships, real or imagined have brushed my dreams aside. You would hope for support in your ambitions, not demands or games. Running around frantically trying to please someone. So, for Venge's sake and for the sake of all my dreams, I shall not seek the affections of another. I shall keep distractions to a minimum.

This is the reason I have not posted as much here. I have been both distracted by seeking affections as well as actually drawing. I write to get a break from drawing. I still do not draw as fast or good enough to be a success yet. But, I feel that I am finally ready to produce the page layouts.

All the groundwork is laid and now is the time to move on.

Got a problem with that?

In these entries I have laid some groundwork for fleshing out the (my) story. I have provided origination's of some of the 'whys' that may prompt a question.

Why do my drawings look that way.

Why is there so much detail in a creation myth.

What feels drive the story.

But, as much as I try to rationalise and integrate story aspects, problems still may arise. I would prefer to have any questions brought up now, during the creation. I would rather those who have taken an interest in what I am doing bring to my attention a conflicting plot device, rather than later. Having some fanboy question something that has, by that time, become an integral part of the story, would bring an early end to a lifetime venture. They would destroy the foundation of my story with a simple question that I overlooked.

I have no problem answering any questions about my work. I helps to have an outside observer. Someone who subjectively observes is detrimental to determining that I have all the basis covered. And that I am conveying the proper message.

Ok, ok. I know. I have not really given you any of the pages all laid out. But, this blog is about the story, not the art (even though, in comics, most of the story is told with pictures).

Got a question, complaint, concern?

Dish it out.

I've had worse.