Acceptable Casualties

I set up a meeting with someone who I plan to collaborate with on this project. The meeting place was Barnes & Noble. I figured it was a nice enough place to grab some coffee, sit and bounce ideas off each other, and it would have a wealth of resource material if we felt so inclined. Additionally, I thought it would be pretty neat to draw there while grabbing inspiration from everything around.

I soon as I showed up I immediately felt embarrassed to bring my big, black, leather bag full of drawing materials, inside. I left it in the car, just in case I felt a desire to pull from it later. So I wandered around B&N for about an hour before I attempted to contact the other person. I got the voicemail and left a message. I wandered from the sci-fi section (looking for a current copy of Armor) to the Graphic Novel section (looking for a collect of stories about my favorite character) when something interesting caught my eye. While digging in and through stacks of books looking for what I wanted, I saw a guide to creating graphic novels.

I was intrigued. Maybe there was something I was missing. Maybe there were some things that I not foresee and, as a result, not have planned for. I pulled the book down and had a seat to skim the contents. I was not sure if this was something I was willing to pay $15 for, so I gave it a once over. Contained within was nothing I had not heard before, but it did outline them in a organised manner. I decided that it was worth the lose of funds. About an hour of that passed when I began to get weary of skimming a topic that I wanted to read fully.

I took a break and called her again (she did insist that I try repeatedly in case she was sleeping). Still no answer... straight to voicemail. I even dropped a text message as she was more prompt in their responses. No reply. I thought to myself that it was no big deal. I was already here and should not put this time to waste.

I resumed my search for those books I was looking for earlier as I was convinced to buy the graphic novel guide but would have to read it later. During my dig I found 4 other books all dealing with the concept of creating my own graphic novel. I sighed, pulled down the other guides and found another spot to peruse them. My analysis was not as thorough as with the 1st but I could already see some differences. I eventually settled on Making Comics by Scott McCloud. Of all the books, this one hit on all the points that each of the others missed, or that they didn't hit as hard as I would have liked.

Then I turned to books over and almost seconded guessed myself. The books were accurately priced by value. The cheaper the book, the less it caught my interest. But, was I willing to spend $25 on this one? I reasoned that the fact that I was even looking at them was a good indication that it was something I needed and certainly wanted. I made the purchase and was pleased. I gave up on waiting for my collaborator after one last attempt at calling and decided to return home.

While at home I continued to skim the book because I felt much too tired to actually read it. I kind of skipped over the storytelling aspect and went to the drawing part. That is where I saw those most dreaded words: draw everyday, keep it simple, and throw nothing out. Grr. I draw with purpose and an idea in mind. I rarely just sketch. Well, I guess my version of sketches would be the ideas that got screwed up and are put away.

I am, quite nearly, a perfectionist when it comes to my own work. So to create something simply for the purpose of putting lead to paper seems like a waste. It would be like watching a movie for the sole purpose of criticizing it. Like having sex simply for the friction but no climax. That's right; artistic masturbation, I said it.

Now, some of my artwork simply gets thrown away. But anything that has dealt with or will deal with Venge and this story have been kept. And through that process I can see the value in it. But, like I stated before, they were meant to be completed works that just didn't meet my standards. They were not sketches for the sake of sketching. I do not feel that I should sketch when I should be, full on, drawing. It just feels like a waste of time.

I use 'waste', 'feel', 'value', and 'time' a whole lot in these blogs. How can something of value be a waste? It cannot. But these works are restricted by time and based on feelings.

I have a limited amount of time,
To create the things I feel.
I can only afford to focus on the things of value.
Everything else is a waste.

But my logic is flawed. A writer writes what they know. You know everything that has had an affect on you. And because they are needed to create your work, they now have value. So, if a writer writes about everything they value, and everything else is a waste, then nothing is a waste.

Time will be my ultimate judge.

Dreams Hell Oblivion

I hate sleeping. Ok, I don't hate sleeping, I just hate being unconscious during it. I crawl into bed (if I'm lucky) and pray for a nightmare. That's right, the most peaceful and relaxing time in our lives and I pray for nightmares. Add that to the list of things that I do beyond the norm.

"Why?", you may be asking? Oblivion. Sleep is the 3-9 hours that I do not exist. I hate that (and I don't hate much of anything). If I were to die (and there is an afterlife) I would be overjoyed. Even if the place I went to was hell. For even in that hell I would know that I still exist. I still am. But, I believe a much worse fate lies in store for me.

Without getting to much into my beliefs, I will explain. True hell for me would be nothing. Oblivion. Limbo. Not the dark places of myth. Actual, absolute nothingness. A ceasing of existence. Terrifying. I would be happy tortured in hell rather than just shutting off the lights on myself.

And sleeping is a small piece of my personal hell. Absolute oblivion that I try to avoid. I postpone it until the desire to sleep overrides the fear of doing so. And so I pray for nightmares. Those subconscious fears jolt me awake and let me know that, since I did dream, I had existed during sleep. I think therefore I am. I dream therefore I will be.

So why don't I just pray for 'sweet dreams'? Rare are the times that I have had such a good dream that it woke me. I think I may have dreamed...

Venge doesn't get to sleep. He is lucky. But he's nuts too. I don't have that luxury. I have few dreams and I dare not invite them into the times I sleep. That is where the nightmares are.

OMG! I totally fell asleep while writing this! That there is some sort of universal justice.

Catching Up

* Added some previously unfinished or omitted entries. Some may seem like duplicates while others may only seem like snippets. They are dropped into the date slot that they would have originally been posted. So you may have to scroll down a bit. I do not throw away any of my sketches and I feel that I should do the same with the story.

* Finally created my own header and enjoyed playing with Photoshop even for just this little bit. Original artwork took about a week. While the edits took about 3 hours (mainly to remember the controls).

* Established that I would no longer post updates on Facebook. Those who care are already here. I may change my mind. I have every right. Besides, who would want everyone to see there diary? That, and I am sure that I do not want everyones opinion.

Now, back to tarnishing clean, white paper!

Moving on

If there are no more questions, shall we move on?

Move on. Indeed. Easier to say, than do. Moving on means that you ignore what has just happened and jump to something else or continue from where you were interrupted. I shall move on from the crummy relationships that used me for my frailties, onto the thing they interrupted: Venge.

Looking back from the day I started this project fifteen years ago, I can see what has gotten in it's way. My relationships, real or imagined have brushed my dreams aside. You would hope for support in your ambitions, not demands or games. Running around frantically trying to please someone. So, for Venge's sake and for the sake of all my dreams, I shall not seek the affections of another. I shall keep distractions to a minimum.

This is the reason I have not posted as much here. I have been both distracted by seeking affections as well as actually drawing. I write to get a break from drawing. I still do not draw as fast or good enough to be a success yet. But, I feel that I am finally ready to produce the page layouts.

All the groundwork is laid and now is the time to move on.

Got a problem with that?

In these entries I have laid some groundwork for fleshing out the (my) story. I have provided origination's of some of the 'whys' that may prompt a question.

Why do my drawings look that way.

Why is there so much detail in a creation myth.

What feels drive the story.

But, as much as I try to rationalise and integrate story aspects, problems still may arise. I would prefer to have any questions brought up now, during the creation. I would rather those who have taken an interest in what I am doing bring to my attention a conflicting plot device, rather than later. Having some fanboy question something that has, by that time, become an integral part of the story, would bring an early end to a lifetime venture. They would destroy the foundation of my story with a simple question that I overlooked.

I have no problem answering any questions about my work. I helps to have an outside observer. Someone who subjectively observes is detrimental to determining that I have all the basis covered. And that I am conveying the proper message.

Ok, ok. I know. I have not really given you any of the pages all laid out. But, this blog is about the story, not the art (even though, in comics, most of the story is told with pictures).

Got a question, complaint, concern?

Dish it out.

I've had worse.

Vulnerability

I had a realisation that derailed my ideas about Venge. I was creating a story of a crazed, calculating, and unstoppable murderer. No where in my plot lines or character analysis did I leave room for Venge to be weak.
How could anyone enjoy a story that did not have a vulnerable hero? The best hero stories must be a life-or-death struggle in which the hero meets up with a group of like-minded individuals to conquer a feat that is much greater than them. At least one person in the story will become a turncoat/traitor and the hero must overcome a personal obstacle becoming changed in the process.
My story (at least the first 13 issues) would have it all... except one thing. Venge was not vulnerable. Well, not mortally so. He wanted to die. Wants to die. Has died. What now? There is no real risk to his actions. He has plenty of emotional and mental frailties and vulnerabilities but no physical ones.
It makes me think of the novel: Armor written by John Steakley. (spoiler follows, if you have not read it then drop down to the next paragraph) In that story the main character wishes to die but is unable to pull the trigger. He thrusts himself into suicidal situations that he miraculously survives. I found myself cheering for this unstoppable and tragic man. Not a hero, just a man. But why? Was I hoping he would die? Was I hoping that he would single handedly win against all odds? I can't explain it. I felt compelled to see where the story was going. What great triumph was to be his? But then, he apparently dies in the story and I remember how upset I was. I closed the book and didn't open it again for a week. I had to be convinced by the person who lent it to me.
Is this the way my story was steering? I am sure it could be effectively written in such a matter, but was I sure that was something I wanted? It is a good tale for a novel or movie. But, I don't think it was one that I wanted Venge to be in for one main reason. I always had hopes that the major comic book publishing companies would buy the story and reproduce it in a continuing series.
So to have the hero die would be counter productive. In that case, was having him mentally and spiritually tormented enough? Maybe. But the solution was far better suited to my goals.
The original story had Venge kill both his wife and himself, then return to life with some pact from death. The current story has him watch as she killed herself and is then implicated as her murderer but sent to a mental ward. No longer is he some undead and unkillable juggernaut. Now he is flesh and bone vigilante fueled by spiritual energies.

Venge can now be hurt on many fronts.
His sanity will always be questioned through out the series.
His feelings will always be conflicted and under strain.
His body will be damaged and broken.

And only by drawing from the energy of the spirits within him can he pull it all together.
And only by appeasing their whims can they gain energy for him to use.

This shall be my attempt at a psychological action ghost story.

Bothersome Heart

Leave me alone heart.

The more you bug me about it,

the lower my standards get.

And that is when I find myself

tied to someone for 3 years

who does not love me.

So stop bothering me, heart.

I have survived this long.

I will not be unloved to death.

I may hunger,

but I shall not starve.

Feedback

Feedback: The process in which part of the output of a system is returned to its input in order to regulate its further output.

Inception

So, the sun came and went a couple of times, but finding more to add was elusive. Then I had a guest over and we watched a DVD of the AEon Flux animated series. I had not thought of this cartoon for so long that I had forgotten how it had a dramatic affect on my personal drawing style.

So, I guess this is as good a time as any to give credit to the artist influences of mine.

At the top of this list is Leonardo Da Vinci. His work is not as clearly reflected in my own as others on this list. But, his craft for invention and dissection of the human anatomy, as well as his use of values (color) within his work, is definitely something that has been an influence of all artist. And, since I enjoy creating new and interesting things, I found a kindred spirit in him. I discovered that it was possible to be an artist that creates rather than one who just reproduces. This was instrumental in being able to find my own style and my own way to express it.

The next most influential would have to be Greg Capullo. Greg's work first caught my eye when he pencilled the New Mutants last Annual in the first series (or maybe it was X-Forces first Annual). In that story he portrayed a futuristic team that included my favorite single comic book character: Magik. I liked his art unlike many artists who are pulled in to draw the Annuals. Soon after he became the full time artist for the X-Force comic. This was a series that I was following fully at the time and continued to be excited about his pencils. While researching his background, I noticed that he had been a commercial artist before comic book work. This is were his influence took hold. He let me know that there were jobs that I could get where I could gain experience and earn a paycheck. I then became convinced that pursuing a Graphics Arts Degree would be most beneficial to my future plans. I could gain an education in art without fighting to stay engaged in general ed and boring art history classes. Don't get me wrong, I know those classes have merit, but they just seemed like an unnecessary obstacle on my path to becoming a professional artist. To this day, I have some pages torn out of the Wizard: The Guide to Comics in which he had a monthly article about learning to draw comics. These have become a kind of comic bible that I refer to often.

The next to last on my list is Brett Booth. Not as well known as other artist in the genre, but his was a style I enjoyed looking at. In addition, he taught me that, the style I was developing by accident, was perfectly acceptable. His characters tended to be leggy and nearly unproportionate. But, he was able to make it look good. My style was developing into one that was being reflected in this artists publication. I was able to determined how his art looked so different but not in a bad way. I could see how my own style would sometimes stray from reason and be able to reel it in. In a sense, he taught me how to see when my proportioning was getting too 'out of control'.

The final, and possibly most influential is/was Peter Chung. He is most well known as the lead artist/designer/director of AEon Flux. The first glimpse I had of the animated short on Liquid Television had me drawn to it. I would anticipate the next episode of the series in hopes of catching another glimpse of it. His storytelling was dramatic and equally elusive. As there was no dialogue in the shorts, all the story was told in actions. Most notably, his characters were drawn lean and angular. While the angularity of the art made it strange to witness, the leanness and agility they held, fascinated me. During this time frame is also when I had determined that I wanted to be a comic book artist. So, as I was learning to draw superheroes and the like, I was also being entranced with his style. I wanted my characters to be lean, leggy, and lithe. But, I did not want them to be angular unless it served the character (typically with those who possess a hard substance covering them i.e. stone skin, armor plates, etc.).

Now, these are not the only influences I had (mainly because each of those possessed their own influences who, in turn, would be considered mine). But, this is by far a list of those who most directly influenced my style. And, it is a commonly accepted trait, that if you want to be recognised in the comic book industry, you have to have your own style. I feel fortunate that I did not have to force myself to draw any particular way. I know when something looks wrong to me, and change it appropriately. It may very well be wrong still... but it is my kind of wrong =]